~Tinkerbelle~

formspring.me

2012-02-17T21:17:00.001+11:00

Ask me anything http://www.formspring.me/abbey192000

My Weight Loss Journey

2012-01-29T12:03:00.001+11:00

I am about to enter into my 11th week of weight loss.

Just before Christmas I began my weight loss journey with Weight Watchers after finally realising that my weight was spinning out of control.

Now, I am 11.4kg's lighter and still going strong.

The reason for writing this blog today is because i have three goals.

1. To lose my short term goal.

This goal is one that constantly changes as i reach it. It is for motivational purposes only. Once I successfully reach these small, short-term goals, i set a smaller goal. They are usually only about 5kg's at a time.

2. To lose 50kg's

This goal is my overall goal. This is how much i ultimately want to lose to become somewhat healthy (and to look good in photo's).

3. To lose an extra 20kg's

This goal will be the final touches on my hot body. They're not kg's i necessarily need to lose but that i want to lose as an added bonus.

So there you have it, they are my plans in terms of weight loss. I am currently sitting at 900g's off my short term goal before i set a new one. So that's what's in my sights right now.

Stay tuned....

Things I Would Love To Achieve in 2012!

2012-01-02T16:04:00.003+11:00

1. Take an acting class.

2. Take a hairdressing class specialising in wedding/updo styles.

3. Take a script-writing class.

4. Complete a marriage celebrant course.

5. Take some sort of dance class.

6. Take a yoga class.

7. Create a professional Vlog - like, a really good one.

I might just have to keep adding things as i think of them. =]

My Gma

2011-12-31T16:37:00.004+11:00

Gma stands for Grandmother aka Grandma.

I spent Christmas with her and my two aunties and the occasional uncle. It was really nice.

She has a lot to say but I enjoyed listening to her stories, history that someday won't be there to hear.

She does her own form of blogging. It's called 'writing in a journal'. It's the old school way of keeping tabs on events, except, she does it every single day. I don't read them because that's her private thoughts and i've always considered it rude to read another person's journal but i doubt she's ever missed a day.

She trying to write a book of her life. At the moment she's up to when she was 16 years old and someday it will be good to read that. It may not be a best seller (or maybe it will!) but it will be part of my heritage, my bloodline.

My Gma is very open and very honest. She doesn't mind talking about pretty much anything. Obviously she's a very modest woman and she's not vulgar or crude in any way but if we have an issue or something we need to discuss, she will sit down and mull it over.

In her own words, she's led a very full life but she's become very resigned to life. She always says she's ready to go. I can understand where she's coming from and when you get past your 70's i suppose life becomes lonely and retirement becomes a monotony but it's hard to hear her say that she's ready to go. Whilst I was there, i always encouraged her not to talk like that because she is still very alert and very on the ball and for someone her age, it's something to be proud of.

I was quite surprised about how openly she spoke of money. I suppose i'm not a kid anymore and am mature enough to be understanding and take in what she was saying. It gave me a deeper respect for her because she's values who i am and she respects my age. That meant a lot to me.

Anyways, this was a random time to start a blog. I guess it's my bow-out to 2011, last day and all. Now i'm off to get ready for the NYE festivities of Sydney.

Make it count! Happy NYE!!!

Church

2011-11-25T16:11:00.000+11:00

After expressing an interest to become a part of the church i attend, I was invited to attend a Volunteers meeting today at my church.
So at 12:30pm i will go and see what this is all about. I will sit with other like-minded people who also want to become involved and serve in the church as i do.
I've been attending this church since I moved out here to West Hoxton in 2006 but it hasn't been until now that i have felt God leading me to become more active.I was always heavily involved in the church and decided to take a break from my involvement. It wasn't from God because my relationship with him is paramount but I wanted to take a step back from what i was doing, assess that, move closer to God and allow the Holy Spirit to become more of a guidance and directive in my life.
I expressed this to the church about 3 weeks ago and explained what my involvement has been in the past but up until this point haven't heard anything back from them.The day that i returned from being in the USA for three weeks, i received an email asking me to attend a Volunteers meeting.It was really exciting because I have waited on the Lord since i decided to take a break from church and i believe with all my heart that this timing is right and perfect.I don't know what the church will entrust me with but i know God has great things planned!!!More to follow after the meeting today.........
=]

Looking Back

2011-11-25T16:10:00.000+11:00

I was reading back on an old diary entry and thought this was a profound and rather deep thing of me to say...

"We don't live in the present, we always live in the future. But we forget so easily that maybe there won't be a future. We put things off and we wait for something better to happen but then it's too late and we don't have that opportunity ever again."

It's weird, but when i write things from my heart with such raw emotion, i always catch myself writing really deep and profound things. I rather like reading back on old diaries. Still trying to find my diaries i wrote during the worst years of my life, there are two books floating dangerously aimlessly somewhere, that i would prefer to have typed up in my black hole than written in hard copy. THOSE will be an interesting read!!!

Coffee

2011-11-25T16:09:00.000+11:00

Thought this article was interesting because i drink a lot of coffee and also have asthma. I'm impressed by the anti-aging thing too!

Is coffee bad for your health? Coffee might not be as the evil as we think it is. Coffee contains antioxidants called Chlorogenic Acid which are helpful in protecting our cells form aging. Coffee may alleviate asthma by dilating the bronchial tubes, making it easier for asthmatics to breathe. Remember limit your coffee to one per day to get the real health benefits. Excessive consumption of Coffee, more than one per day, may increase blood pressure possible causing hypertension, anxiety, and irritability and affect your sleeping patterns in some persons. This occurs from the caffeine content found in coffee.

http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com/health/blogs/show/2541307/five-rules-for-healthy-eating-and-myths-dispelled/

Home

2011-08-19T23:14:00.003+10:00

It's been an emotionally challenging week for me. So what better to do on a lazy, rainy Friday night after a glass of wine and strawberries than to sit down and write a blog, which i actually don't do enough of these days!

I've said it many times, that I would love to be an American citizen. The USA is like my second home. I love the people, i love the culture, i love the shopping, i love the food, i love the scenery - there isn't much i DON'T like about it. In fact, i've even said to some people that if i could have citizenship on the grounds that i don't return to Australia, I'd willingly give it all away.

But this morning, I was actually trying to send a private message to a famous Australian singer called Guy Sebastian, a story in itself, when i noticed that the doors were closing at the station i was meant to get off at, thus missing my stop, some bizarre omen perhaps haha....

When your stop is at central station (the main city station), your train then proceeds to travel in what's called a 'loop'. It's the city loop. It travels around 5 different stations before arriving back at central again.

If you happen to be on the loop, you will stop at Circular Quay which is very picturesque and quite spectacular, particularly on New Year's Eve.

I rolled on towards the city loop and as i was arriving at Circular Quay, a sudden wave of homesickness washed over me. I think it was partly because of my emotionally charged week.

It wasn't a homesickness for somewhere else, but for my own city and my own country, which is very unlike me. I felt this whimsical pang of warm, fuzzy inertia-like nostalgia. A feeling that brought tears to my eyes and made me all choked up. Here i was, looking out over Circular Quay, and if i chose to, I could alight the train and stand and overlook the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House, one of the great wonders of the world, for hours on end, until my heart was content.

As it was, i was going to work and didn't have the time to stop and smell the roses as such.

But for that moment, i was content with where i was. I appreciated everything that i already had and took in the fact that my city and my country are, in fact, so beautiful. I know it so well, it's familiar to me and it will always be home, i will always feel at ease in this city.

Aussie Movies

2011-08-19T23:13:00.000+10:00

So....

I'm on the prowl for some DVD's to take with me to America in October. Below are some DVD's i wanna take with me and the people, i know, can supply me!!!

Kylie Unicomb

Crackerjack

The Nugget

Rachel Unicomb

Cosi

Kelly Edmunds

Looking for Alibrandi

So far that's my list. Below are my other favourite movies that i wanna get my hands on, so if you know of anyone who owns them, let me know!

Hey hey it's esther blueberger

Thunderstruck

The Castle (altho i think i have that one!)

Thanks in advance for your willing co-operation!!!

Anointed

2011-08-19T23:12:00.001+10:00

This week, I have been reminded of God's anointing over my life. When i recognised this reminder, i was filled with so much joy. It's something I had completely forgotten about and now plan to engage in at my church, Inspire.

I'm pretty excited about it but am Housesitting at the moment and so I'll probably look into it once i return.

Please pray that this joy and excitement carries me forward into the path that God is leading me and definitely hold me accountable to where I'm at with this in the next month or so!

Much appreciated thanks!

"Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and has anointed us is God, who also has sealed us and given us the Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee" 2 Corinthians 1:21-22

OCD in a Mild Form

2011-08-19T23:10:00.000+10:00

"Ordering is a subcategory where persons feel compelled to place items in a designated spot or order. This person fears a sense of being overwhelmed and impending anarchy if items are not placed exactly as they are arbitrarily determined. Persons with this condition typically line up items in parallel locations, but the focus is on the concept that each item belongs in a particular place. Another form of OCD is perfectionism, in which persons feel compelled to habitually check for potential mistakes or errors that might reveal their own faults or might jeopardize the person's stature at work."

http://www.ocdonline.com/defineocd.php

Do i have to see a Counsellor now???

a. For looking it up in the first place and

b. For thinking i might actually be like this??? i mean it's not like it happens all the time. Just sometimes.

To be honest though, 'Parenthood', the tv show, tackles autism. They actually scripted the dialogue to include symptons of autism and what struck me very close to home is that this autistic child had to have things done in a particular set order and if that order was messed up or put out of wack all hell would break loose.

Sometimes when my 'routine' is messed up. I feel irritable.

Anyways, these were just random thoughts. Thanks for being my online psychologist.

Happy 4th July

2011-07-05T12:42:00.000+10:00

It's no secret that i wish to high heavens that i was an American citizen and i enjoy pretending to celebrate things like halloween and thanksgiving and more recently, 4th July.

But being an Australian and celebrating another culture outside of that country has earned me a fair amount of criticism, one person joking to burn their flag (truth to every joke, right??). Even my Dad, who's mostly usually on my side, basically called me a fraud amidst my celebrations.

As i said, if there was a way i could live in the USA, i would be there in an instant. However, this criticism has caused me to stop and think about why people are being this way.

I understand that we are our own country and our holidays relate specifically to us. But is it such a bad thing to celebrate the independance of another country??? Is it so wrong to be happy for their country??? Does it really matter the extent of how far our celebrations go???

Don't rain on my parade in celebrating good positive things. Don't hate me for celebrating both Australia and the USA, to me that is discrimination. Don't judge.

Prayer for Teen Camp Del Oro

2011-06-20T23:53:00.001+10:00

It's really late, which is never a good time to blog, but i wanted to write down something that's been on my heart for a couple of weeks now (actually for quite a few months!).

I remember a night at camp last year bawling my eyes out. Mostly because some people were leaving and i had to say goodbye, but i also knew at that time everything was ending and i wouldn't be at another camp for a long time, if ever. IT was a sad time.

I also remember chatting with Cheryl about the prospect of not returning and remember how spirit crushing it felt at the time.

Leading up to camp this year, my spirit was heavy and burdened. I'd lay awake at night thinking about schedules and activities and about the returning campers that would be there and the ones i wouldn't even know yet. I'd think about the ins and outs of teen camp, the staff, what works, what doesn't work and it got to the point where i had to sit upright in bed and ask God to take this burden away from me just so i could sleep.

Not returning to teen camp, a second home to me and something which i considered close to my heart, was taunting my mind and obviously my spirit. I couldn't sleep, it was constantly the only thing racing through my mind and tearing up my heart.

God didn't answer my prayer straight away and even now that he actually has, there are still moments when i still allow myself to get caught up thinking about what might've been and what just isn't.

But i prayed so hard and so desperately to God that the right staff would be put there. I already knew most of the kids who would be there, but it was the whole staff that was causing my anguish what if no-one knew how to run the place. It's Teen Camp's 5th birthday this year and one which i won't be there to celebrate. I missed the opening of the first Teen Camp and was there for the three following years and now, here i am chilling in Sydney Australia, instead of complaining about the heat in CA working where i know God created me to work.

When i heard that Justin was on staff out there, it was like God removed my burden. Yes, i was still sad that i wasn't going to be there, yes i was still disappointed the relationship-building had come to an end - heck, i was even sad i wouldn't be at the bonding campfire breakfasts anymore but in that one piece of knowledge, i knew God had sealed his anointing on that place and it filled me with this indescribable joy and peace. The burden was gone. It was like God saying, don't worry about it anymore and since then i haven't worried about it. I've rejoiced knowing that God has his hand over the campers and over the staff.

It definitely doesn't mean i won't be praying for them, my goodness, that place is like my baby. Those campers are like my adopted children, of COURSE i won't stop praying for them, i miss them all so very much. But i know that the plans God has for that place and for all of those people at camp are plans that will prosper them and not harm them. They're plans that will give them a future and a hope. God will listen to their prayers, just as he has heard mine and when they seek him with all of their heart, like i did, they will find him, Christ Jesus.

That's my prayer.

A blog here, A blog there

2011-06-13T18:07:00.003+10:00

I've decided, that i really love blogging. I've looked over a lot of blogs and realised just how significant it actually is. Years down the track, i'm going to look back on this and treasure what i've written, no matter how silly or trivial the things i blog about seem!

SO, i will endeavour to blog more (btw, that is definitely a buzz word for me this week, endeavour!)

I am burdened with a desire to be at Summer camp this week. Orientation has begun and I don't think this desire is one that will leave me. In 2008 i was truly ruined. Ruined for the better good. A friend of mine invited me to a summer camp expo and after attending it with her, the rest is history.

This year will be the first of many that I don't return to camp as a staff member and i am finding it hard to grasp the concept of never knowing of its existence.

I feel as if i have never lived through a winter before and out of all 30 years of my life, i have only done this camp thing three times, how can it be possible to feel so at home and at ease at camp?

Life here is slow and melancholy but yet there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, things here are normal but in a good way.

I have been praying about becoming more involved in my local church and yet after quite some time away from the standard church practices, i find i am quite hesitant to become involved again, i feel like there is this 'yes, but no' battle raging inside of me.

I have become somewhat of a recluse. It makes me nervous to be in large crowds of people and by large i mean 5 or more people. My social skills have deteriorated over the last 5 - 10 years and perhaps it's due to the life experiences i've had. I am nervous to think what the next 20 - 30 years have in store - all good things i hope!

So i will keep praying that God leads me to people and activities and conversations where he can use me the most, no matter how broken and disfigured i seem to be, not literally speaking of course.

Over the next three months, my prayers will obviously be with all the staff and campers at CDO - y'all will be amazing!!!!! Wishing i was there whole-heartedly!!!!!

Tell your story!

2011-05-25T13:27:00.001+10:00

Over the past few years i have changed a lot. There are a lot of areas of my life that have completely changed and yes, i'm a late bloomer, but i think i'd call it growing up.

Believe it or not, i'm a lot more mature than i used to be (i know just THINK how immature i was before!). I'm not as interested in changing the world as i am just to take an interest in current affairs. I am more open to things that i used to be closed-minded about. I now see young people in a completely different light. My eyes are much more open to the dangers that surround them, the activities they choose to participate in and the people the surround themselves with. I see through a lot of fake things and have learnt when something is transparent, as i make it a daily habit to be as real as i possibly can be, realising that my life hasn't always been the most legitimate life i've led.

I was chatting with a friend recently and i've realised that a lot of these changes have occurred during my last three years of summer camps in the USA. I have been entrusted with great leadership responsibilities and have been responislbe for the care of teenagers who were 12-15 years old. A lot of people, particularly here in Australia, think of summer camps in the USA as somewhat of a holiday. I assure you, it is a whole lot more than that. It's a lot of hard work but the rewards are so great and you grow interpersonally and within yourself so much.

My very first year of summer camp was the best year for me. I learnt a lot about being real with people and ever since then, it has been a growing and learning process in my personal journey.

2008 and 2009 in fact, was a time when i learnt that each of our personal stories are so important to how we deal with each other. They're also so important to 'keeping it real'. Such a freakin' deep catchphrase!!!!

So often in life, we go about not probing people about who they are or where they've come from, because we're afraid it's none of our business or something we shouldn't really be asking about, and all good and true in some cases, particularly ones where the othe person doesn't want to give any information.

But so often when we DON'T find out about the lives of others, we miss cruicial bits and pieces that give us insight into being more sensitive to who they are.

So in 2008 and 2009, that's what i've realised. I NEED to get to know people, i need for them to tell me their story so that i am more sensitive to who they are. We don't share our life story ENOUGH, that's my opinion.

There have been people in my life that have opened up and shared their story with me that i see in a whole new light now and for that it has deepened our friendship, something i always mention on my blogspot!!

But it's not a one-way street. It's just as important for us to share OUR story with others, particularly when others might be going through something we've been through before.

By sharing our stories with each other (and i'm not talking about the graphic deatails, unless that is what someone wants to talk about)l, we go deeper with each other. We understand each other better. We feel for that other person. We're able to offer better detailed advice or comfort or whatever is needed. We can't do any of that if we only know someone on a surface level.

I think, in conclusion, what i'm trying to say, is that we need to share our stories with each other more often. I'm a true believer in that and not because we need to have a cry, although sometimes we do, but rather we need them so that we can heal, so that we don't hold on to things, we need these stories so that we can offer hope and love and comfort, so that we can offer an ear to listen and to be supportive of one another.

It was only yesterday that someone shared with me a part of their own story that reminded of how important it is to journey with each other and to support and uplift each other. It reminded me to write this blog.

Someone Like You - Adele

2011-05-17T20:59:00.000+10:00

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

The 'Thousands'

2011-05-17T20:56:00.000+10:00

There's always been an era. In the last 100 years, it's been the 20's,30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. But what will tomorrow be called? The thousands??? Well they've been thousands for a long time!

I read an interesting article in the MX Newspaper on Wednesday i think and it basically just addressed the question of what will tomorrow be remembered for! When the future generations look back on who we are now, what will they reminisce about? It also spoke of how this generation has borrowed the other generations for inspiration such as clothing and hairstyle and lifestyle in general.

But what styles will we be remembered for?

When i was younger i vowed never to wear granny clothes. In fact, i still don't want to become an elderly person. They must have so much insight and be so wise and yet, they freak me out and i never want to be one!!!!! But i always thought that my clothing style would never change. I have never seen the reason to stop wearing jeans and tshirts.

I guess if you consider the significant events that have taken place over the decades, perhaps the times have influenced the culture of society.

But perhaps that's the interesting concept with this generation. We've exhausted our options and we're happy just to exist. We're more into gadgets and upgrades rather than our changing lifestyles. Perhaps we will be known for owning out of date and historic televisions that weren't digital or for our analog mobile phones. Perhaps technology and social networking is what this age is about.

I'm personally still waiting for the futuristic age with hovercrafts and airlock doors and funky clothes!

It will be interesting to age.

I don't want to get old but i do wonder what the 'thousands' will be remembered for!

Last Night's Dream

2011-05-17T20:55:00.000+10:00

Last night i had this weird dream.
Tony, Eloise and i were driving in my car and we drove past this massive old empty sort of warehouse. It was pouring rain and for some reason we'd got out of the car to go in and look. As we were getting out of the car, out of nowhere, this creepy guy started bolting towards, i told Tony to get in and he just didn't. This guy needed help but was threatening us all sorts of ways. Eventually Tony got in the car and we drove away.
As we were driving, Tony was like, 'we have to go back there later to make sure that guy is ok.' He wanted to help him. Aw.
We kept driving and we started heading up this hiill, the road started to get narrower the further towards the top we got! Eventually my brand new car went too close to the edge and we started plummetting down the side of it. By some way of a dream-like miracle, we didn't plummet too far and actually landed on our wheels beside a golf club and it was easy to see we'd be able to drive away, altho, my car had scrapes and dings in it galore.
The End.
I think it stemmed from us driving through Miller and stopping at the petrol station and the fact that it was raining i think represented the darkness and drugs of Miller haha. I think Tony standing outside is what made me dream he took on the weird, zombie-like guy. And i think Tony ALWAYS promising to key my car was what made me dream my car was dinged and scraped. The rest, i dunno!

My Mathematical Days

2011-05-10T22:14:00.000+10:00

Name a time when you turned a boring activity into something fun:

Well during maths, i could never understand what the heck was going on, so i made up this hand-written game of Tetris. All the pieces were coded with numbers and my friend chose random numbers. Then i would draw the pieces, according to what numbers she'd chosen into a 'tetris graph' in my gridded maths textbook - sure made maths go by quick I also used to sign my name repeatedly in case i ever became famous and needed to sign an autograph!!! ~Alisha Blackman

Accommodation

2011-05-10T22:13:00.001+10:00

K wow, this is two blogs within the space of half an hour - sorry!

So i've been seriously contemplating moving into the heart of the city. For a coupla reasons.

It would be cheaper because i wouldn't be paying train ticket fairs or paying petrol to get to work everyday.
It would probs be a lot of fun.
But I'm a lil nervous to actually get out there and look around. I've never been a flatmate before and so i don't really know the rules of the game. I'm scared i'd be a terrible person to live with too.

I'm not scared of living with complete strangers - well maybe a little bit. But i think it would be so cool to meet new people etc etc....

But i have to say that living in Sydney CBD would be such an experience!!!

Crazy Weirdo Dream

2011-05-10T22:12:00.000+10:00

So i had this amazingly cool dream last night and i don't know that words will do i justice. I felt so real too!!!

In it, i wasn't human, but i don't know that i was necessarily alien and or robotic. I could just do things that humans can't do.

It seemed as if this dream had picked up from where another dream had ended and in that dream, i'd been taught all about my new life as this.....-there isn't even a word to describe it- .......new person, i guess???

They'd (and by they, i don't even know who 'they' were) taught me how to enter this secret underground hill/lair/cave and in this lair were crazy concepts that allowed me to do things beyond human capabilities. But you had to master things first before you could proceed to better things.

That's kind of where this dream picked up.

It had been a while since i'd first become non-human and i'd kind of mastered a lot of things. But word had spread that there was this new breed of humans that extra powers.

They had become a hunted species and i was one of them.

Somehow, i'd tipped off someone to these secret powers i had and i was on the run. I ran to a house that i knew had a secret lair. No-one knew about these secret lairs except those of us who weren't human anymore. If you weren't one of us, it just looked like a moundhill.....??

So i ran to this house and the owner of the lair, knew who i was. I asked her if the lair was still there, because apparently some had been closed up. She said it was still there.

I ran to the lair and went in. It was like a safehouse, no humans could get into them and didn't even know they existed. I was desperate to find something in there but i didn't know what it was i was after. I think that must've been in the previous dream which i didn't have much memory of.

All i knew is that there was a big book of powers we could learn and i was looking for something specific but i just didn't know what.

There was also another doorway that you could only enter if you'd mastered the basics of this new species, which i'd now mastered but for some reason i didn't go in there and knew i needed to.

That's when i woke up. It was such a joy-ride of a dream. There was much adrenalin because i was on the run. I loved it. Didn't wanna wake up.

Plodding Along

2011-05-01T15:46:00.003+10:00

Sometimes, an unexpected turn of events will suddenly hit you. It comes out of nowhere and it makes you re-evaluate everything in your life. Everything you've ever stood for, everything you've ever believed. It makes you re-evaluate where you are going and what things lie in store for the rest of your life. All your goals, dreams, expectations are stirred. When you think life is going smoothly and your car is travelling without a hitch, SOMETHING in life turns everything around and leaves you questioning, 'where am i going? what am i doing?'.

Today I've had this happen to me.

Something in my life made me sit upright and wonder what are the things that are important to me? What am i really trying to achieve? Is this life i am living, this road i am travelling, is it all worth it? What am i trying to accomplish?

And now i feel like, where do i go from here?

This event that's happened, this turn of events as i put it, has taken a load of something i'm not quite sure what, off my shoulders.

And did it start today? No.

It's been quietly creeping in and i haven't noticed it until this week and indeed, just today.

I sat on my bed, looking out into space, at the blue, cloud-riddled sky and re-evaluated the road i'm on.

I don't particularly think it's given me any answers, i just think it gave me a glimpse into a life i'm trying to make sense of, even though none of that makes ANY sense.

Then, as i always do, i started thinking about what role God has played in all of this. And i came to the conclusion that sometimes when we wait, and we think life is dry and unfruitful, then God is at work and we don't even know it. Hindsight is a brilliant thing and perhaps that's played a role in some sort of burden being lifted from my shoulders.

Sometimes in life it feels as though you're traipsing through wet cement. Feels like you're not really getting anywhere and then when you catch a glimpse of where your life is going, it feels as though you're on top of that cement, walking freely.

God uses me in ways i don't even realise sometimes, in ways i don't even know or understand, and if i'm faithful to him, particularly in times when the rest of the world jeers at me and questions my motives, he'll reveal what he's doing. Not completely. But enough to let me see that my relationship with him is not in vain. It's exciting.

Gay Rights

2011-04-04T13:05:00.005+10:00

I don't like being ignorant so I'm gonna say straight up that if this blog offends anyone then i apologise right here and now. The purpose is not to offend but rather explore something that i am unsure of where i stand. Well, vaguely unsure.

A question came up, one of those new question things and it asked if a person did or did not support gay rights. I don't hold anything against people that are homosexual. It doesn't phase me. What someone chooses to believe and engage in is their complete private business - totally their choice and that's ok with me because i appreciate people who respect what i believe and engage in. And having said that, i have quite a few homosexual friends and to me, there is nothing different or unusual about them.

However, I don't agree with homosexuality in itself because of what the Bible/Christianity teaches.

But when i came across this question, i was torn. I didn't know what to believe or where i stood with it.

I believe in justice and the equality of all people, and i once had a conversation with someone about gay rights. They explained to me that it isn't fair that they're not entitled to all the same rights that i, as a straight person, am entitled to and i thought that to be fair enough.

So my question is, can i disagree with homosexuality but still believe in gay rights???

Like i said at the beginning of this email, i genuinely love all people regardless of sex, age, race or in this case sexuality and i don't intend this to discriminate. This is merely me trying to learn a little bit more of who i am and what i believe. I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to believe or how to respond but I'm asking for advice so that i can make up my own mind. i encourage anyone on my friends list to reply to this but please keep your comments informative and don't hate on me because that is not the intention of this blog, i'm not here on this earth to judge anyone.

Thank you.

Come Over

2011-04-04T13:04:00.002+10:00

Do you remember the days in school when Saturdays were the best days ever???? Where you'd invite your friends over and play board games, or you watch a video or even play a computer game or console game if you were lucky??? I remember them and today felt sad that they are lost in becoming an adult. I loved them. You didn't have to dress up for the occasion. It was good company and if you felt you'd been inside too long, a fun walk or bike ride to the local corner store to buy a big paper packet of lollies for just 50c was all that was necessary. Then if people were still there at lunch time, you made gourmet sandwiches or heated up some pies and a soft drink or flavoured milk. There was nothing illegal about it and you didn't have to worry if what you were doing was right. There was nothing you could do that would bring about costly consequences. Ahhh....i miss the atmosphere of those days and the great, strong bonds that were formed between friends.

Financial Blessings

2011-04-04T13:04:00.001+10:00

I learnt a very valuable lesson last night. Sometimes, helping someone in need doesn't have to be as unobtainable as you might think. Sure, there are homeless people all over the joint and there are poor, starving people in parts of the world we've never heard of and sometimes one might think, 'the problem is so big, my $20 won't mean a thing' at least that's how i sometimes feel. I read a news report online today that a lot of Australians are living well beneath the poverty line. I was also in a financially sticky situation last night myself. It got me thinking. Sometimes, if we pay for someone who cannot afford to do something, that is just exactly the same thing as reaching out to someone in need. So the next time someone says 'i can't afford it' or 'i haven't got the money', consider them as a person in need. Take the opportunity to reach out to them as though they were Christ and offer them your own financial blessings! Feed them, clothe them, do whatever it is that is neccessary. Give them the same consideration you would for a homeless person. Don't get me wrong i still think it's important for us to reach out in many other ways for the poor and third world countries etc, but i'm just saying, the opportunities aren't as big or far away as you might think they are!!! Always remeber, God's blessings are endlessly abundant when we think of each other and not only ourselves.

Lasting Impressions

2011-04-04T13:03:00.001+10:00

I think it's totes funny/peculiar/interesting how there are certain things that stick in your memory of things people have said to you or have done for you. There are also those memories that make you think of a loved one and make you crumble. Just this week, when i was picking up my car in fact, something the finance guy said to me about the trauma and death side of the insurance made me think of loved ones who have passed away and right there and then i nearly cracked it and broke down in tears, i held my composure but just those little RANDOM things that flick a switch and make you remember. Sometimes a memory that you have is stuck in your head for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I've been thinking of a few things recently and i wanted to share a few with you. 1. Shanon Hawkesworth, an American friend of mine, was sitting with me during a church service one Sunday in the Sacramento Salvo Citadel and during the offering she leaned in close to my ear and whispered to me, 'can you please stay here?'. It's a memory i'll always remember and cherish because it showed me just how much she valued our friendship. If there was EVER a reason to stay in The Salvation Army, this memory in this moment would've been it! Needless to say it broke my heart that I couldn't stay and that was the actual day I was flying back to Australia! 2. I think the year was 1996 or 1997 and I was staying overnight or for the weekend at Alyson (then) Lucas' house. I'm not sure what it was for, maybe it was for the 'Guys and Dolls' thing we did (what in the heck was that anyways?????) but the actual memory was the first time i'd ever been introduced to 'the internet'. She introduced me not only to the internet but also to ICQ, my very first experience with the internet and with Messenging programs. I was entralled, obsessed even, and now it is a fully blown addiction. Thank you Alyson. Not sure if that's sarcastic or sincere haha! 3. At camp, the dirtiest, smelliest, sweatiest place for a staff member to be and I remember someone brushing a single strand of hair off my face, looking deep into my eyes and then apologising without knowing why they'd done it. I don't know why i remember that, but it's a memory i will always treasure! It was kinda like an act of Jesus, you know, with the washing of the feet thing. I was sweaty and dirty and yet they still took a few moments out to tuck away my messy hair. hehe... I think the most prominent memories will always be something that someone has done for you. I always seem to remember something randomly nice that someone has done or said. I suppose the challenge for me, is to make that kind of impression on someone else.

Black Falcon - My Baby

2011-04-04T13:02:00.000+10:00

To baby car Today i missed you so much. I know you're not well and the possibility of ever being together again is looking unlikely, but i want you to know you have left your mark on my heart. You have been so good to me, so reliable to myself and also to the many others you have willing been kind to. The absence of you over the last two weeks has taken it's toll on me and altho your replacement will satisfy my every need, i'm sure. But you will be sorely missed. i love you. Alisha xoxo

For What It's Worth by Zerah Hope Gallardo on catching trains

2011-04-04T12:59:00.001+10:00

(Published in the free, daily MX Newspaper on 22nd Feb 2011) Those of us who are regular commuters on peak-hour trains have seen it all. We know the battleground the platform becomes, the strategic movements needed to survive and the primitive beasts that are released from within us all. After a long day at the office we know our greatest obstacle is still to come, because even the slightest chance of a seat on the train sparks social Darwinism. It is survival of the fittest and only the most elite, most tactical and most premeditated plan of attack will prevail. Sure, you can know the general area to stand where the train doors stop, but that eliminates only the most naive of competition. You need to plan much further ahead to survive combat of this calibre. Over the years, some of the more cunning methods I've witnessed have been from: 1. The oversized backpack wearer. The pack acts both as a weapon of mass sabotage and an improvised shield. You could be a peak-hour connoisseur, but if you're standing behind an oversized backpack wearer, forget it. It is Mario Kart triple banana peel damage to your game. 2. The sneaky pusher inner-er. To outlast the competition you need to monitor your position. Stand your ground, be vigilant about your surroundings and do not lose focus. If you become distracted, even for a second, you could fall prey to one of these bad boys.One moment you're standing in your usual spot, right where the doors open up, next thing you know you've got a sneaky pusher inner-er standing right in front of you, costing you your chance for a seat. 3. The seemingly fragile elderly woman. Have you ever seen poison ivy? It looks so delicate and unassuming. But it is a merciless plant. It will strike whoever crosses its path with no regard for anyone but itself.Seemingly elderly fragile women are not what they appear to be at all. They have roamed this land for much longer, know the ways of the frontline well. These are the opponents you need to be wary of. For when you are afraid of using your best attacks, they will completely assault your entire being in order to get ahead. The train charges in. Sweat dripping from your brow, you use your peripheral vision to eye your rivals. The train stops. Three. Two. One. The doors open. FIGHT! It is complete anarchy. Whistles blowing, arms flailing, computer generated voices announcing various destinations. The guy with the huge backpack is using his oh-so-clever side-to-side movement to ensure any hopes potential challengers behind him may have are shattered by his pack. You see crowds stampeding into the carriage and the few seats left are filling up fast. You panic. The elderly woman has already begun bewitching the crowds with her "weak" facade. You have to do it. You resort to your best defiance in the realm of the peak-hour train. You wail out loud and fake a broken ankle. It is the only way. Hobbling on to the train, you take your throne of triumph. And rightfully so.

Picturesque

2011-04-04T12:58:00.000+10:00

I'm no artist but if i was, what i saw this afternoon would have been THE perfect painting!!!! I was angry about a lot of things today. But as i went around the corner onto the freeway, God warmed my heart and brought the smile back to my lips. There before me was the most beautiful sky. It was filled mostly with clouds, some blue patches here and there and then there was this giant cloud which took centre stage in the sky. In the middle of this massive cloud was almost like a key hole, a T-shaped hole in the middle of the cloud. Out of the middle shone rays of sunlight down to the ground and then around the OUTSIDE of the giant cloud, where also rays of sun down to the ground. It was almost as tho i was driving under the blanket of a huge God-sized teepee and it was absolutely remarkable. If i sat back in the drivers seat, i was hidden by a shadow, but when i leant forward, my face was soaked with sunlight....that cool, soft sun that i'd experienced earlier in the morning when i looked at the world less bitterly!!! Sometimes it's just little things like that when i notice Gods grace and his beauty in my life. It was in that moment that i fell i love with who he is again and was reminded of his forgiveness, his grace and his undying love for me, the angry one. (underneath this, it says, add a photo. i wish i could!)

Lasting Impressions

2011-03-16T22:33:00.001+11:00

Sometimes a memory that you have is stuck in your head for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I've been thinking of a few things recently and i wanted to share a few with you.

1. Shanon Hawkesworth, an American friend of mine, was sitting with me during a church service one Sunday in the Sacramento Salvo Citadel and during the offering she leaned in close to my ear and whispered to me, 'can you please stay here?'. It's a memory i'll always remember and cherish because it showed me just how much she valued our friendship. If there was EVER a reason to stay in The Salvation Army, this memory in this moment would've been it! Needless to say it broke my heart that I couldn't stay and that was the actual day I was flying back to Australia!

2. I think the year was 1996 or 1997 and I was staying overnight or for the weekend at Alyson (then) Lucas' house. I'm not sure what it was for, maybe it was for the 'Guys and Dolls' thing we did (what in the heck was that anyways?????) but the actual memory was the first time i'd ever been introduced to 'the internet'. She introduced me not only to the internet but also to ICQ, my very first experience with the internet and with Messenging programs. I was entralled, obsessed even, and now it is a fully blown addiction. Thank you Alyson. Not sure if that's sarcastic or sincere haha!

3. At camp, the dirtiest, smelliest, sweatiest place for a staff member to be and I remember someone brushing a single strand of hair off my face, looking deep into my eyes and then apologising without knowing why they'd done it. I don't know why i remember that, but it's a memory i will always treasure! It was kinda like an act of Jesus, you know, with the washing of the feet thing. I was sweaty and dirty and yet they still took a few moments out to tuck away my messy hair. hehe...

I think the most prominent memories will always be something that someone has done for you. I always seem to remember something randomly nice that someone has done or said.

I suppose the challenge for me, is to make that kind of impression on someone else.

Train Shenanigans

2011-02-19T11:54:00.002+11:00

Today started off brilliant!!!

I woke up at just the right time to get ready AND have breakfast - 6:10am to be exact. As i drove to the train station, it was as if God was shining down on me, the horizon was picturesque - absolutely breathtaking and it was just a good day to be alive. As i neared closer to the train station, the traffic became dense which was ok because i had plenty of time. The sun was blaring in through my car windows and it was that cool, kind of sun, the ones that come on fresh autumn mornings. The sort of sunlight that you bask in and turn your face towards, soaking up every ray of sun.

I boarded the train and that's where everything must've come undone!

Sydenham is a station in Sydney that is not quite midpoint but where a lot of trains intersect so you can change trains. As we arrived, the cityrail man came over the loud speaker (Cityrail is what we call our train service in Sydney).

"Good morning, this train has come across an unexpected delay and will depart from this platform shortly, those that are in a hurry, please board the train on platform 1"

So i didn't budge because delays aren't usually that long.

"Also, if anyone is a medical personnel, can they kindly make their way to the front of the train."

So i guessed it was an ill passenger. So I waited...and waited....and waited....and waited. It was a good solid 15 minute wait!

"Passengers we regret to inform you that this train service will terminate. An ambulance is on its way, please kindly make your way to platform 1"

GAHHHH....i hope it wasn't someone just coughing, it better have been a pregnant lady going into labour or someone dying!!!

Now, once you get into the city, you have to stop at a station called Central. From there, the trains do a loop of the city. Usually my stop is first. Museum. But today no. It decided to stop on the other end of the 'city circle' first, adding time onto my already late arrival time.

As we got to Museum station, i went to find my wallet but alas, it wasn't there. There are always ticket inspectors at Museum station in the mornings so i'd just resorted to being fined, after all, what could i do?!

So i got to the ticket turnstyles and asked the lady to let me through the gate.

"I'll let you through, but good luck getting past them", referring to the ticket inspectors glaring me down.

I thanked her and walked through, keeping my eyes fixed on the exit. As i walked quickly through, i didn't dare turn back to have a look.

I got through unscathed. There's no way i wanted a fine when i have already paid my fare for the entire week.

Moral of the story is, don't leave home without your train ticket!

My Year Without Facebook

2010-12-31T00:08:00.003+11:00

This is the post i have been putting off because i want people to understand just how much pain this New Years Resolution has put me through!!!!!!! But i also want this blog to get across just how much i learnt and all sorts of things and explaining myself or anything for that matter is just not my forte!!!

So i will interview .... myself ....

What has been the hardest part about not having facebook this year?

The hardest part was definitely in the beginning. Getting used to not checking it 50 times a day. The other hardest part was probably coming home from camp. I had so many new friends i wanted to add and to keep in contact with.

What did you do with your spare time you would normally be on facebook?

I would like to have something amazing to say here ie. went hiking, go out, explored the world, did new things etc but the truth of the matter is, i just looked at other sites ie. youtube, played an online game called immortal night, used messengers etc. If that STILL left too much time i'd just play the Sims 3 when i'd get bored or i'd put the tv on.

How did your lifestyle or personality change because you weren't using facebook?

I haven't really been in touch with the world and that was good and bad. It was good because i wasn't accused of being part of any malicious facebook arguments or fights. I tuned out of conversations that revolved around facebook most of the time. On the other hand, i was left out of the loop a lot. Not being invited to things etc.

What did you learn about the impact that social media (ie. facebook) has in society?

It plays such an important role. There are people i don't have any other way of contacting except via facebook and a lot of people don't use emails to keep in contact anymore. Facebook has become this widespread phenomenon that is the preferred method of online contact and you are really out of the loop without it, particularly if you have contacts from all different parts of your life ie. work, school, church, camps, parties, uni, college, etc. I mean, if all your friends were in the one place and from the one part of your life then sure, i don't think it would be too bad but when your contact circle is so wide, facebook makes it easier to commuicate. There are also events that you learn about from your contacts on facebook. I'm looking forward to seeing lots of people's wedding photos!!!!

What were some positives about not using facebook?

Life is more simple and although i have not taken advantage of it, there is more time to do different and new things.

Did you cheat/break your resolution?

No. I'd like to think that i didn't and technically i 'm right because the resolution was not to use facebook, which i have succeeded in doing, so no i didn't break my resolution. However, at the end of August, i was so depressed at not having contact with people online, that i resorted to the arch nemesis 0f Twitter and also reopening my myspace account. Can i just say, myspace is the most lame social media website ever and i will be closing it once i am back on facebook!!!! So although i didn't break my resolution, i definitely found ways around the absence of it. But i learnt that if you take out one thing, it can always be replaced by something else.

Will you go back on Facebook and how do you think your facebook habits will change, if at all?

I love facebook. It is such an important part of technology in the way we communicate now that the absence of it seems like we'd be working harder and not smarter. I will definitely be back in the facebook world, i have struggled without it. Time is precious and i think the hardest thing about not using facebook was not keeping in contact with people - who knows how long we can keep in touch. I don't waste time like that again. i want people to constantly know i love, appreciate and value them and i don't want to ever miss those opportunities again. As for my facebook habits, they will probably not change, possibly even intensify!!!! =]

Can't wait to read all your msgs and accept all your requests!!!!

Facebook i love you and all your inhabitants!!!!

See you in 2011 in under 24 hours!!!!

LOVE AND EXCITEMENT!!!!

Night of Nights

2010-12-26T21:45:00.002+11:00

It's the night of Boxing day and on one hand, i am upset because all the shops i wanted to get great sale from were closed, i did not get a single bargain. On the other hand i had the greatest night of my life just now!!!!

I've come to accept that i am hermit. I expect i will die a lonely old sole and that is ok by me. I enjoy my own company and i don't like being swayed by other people. Quite a few things over the past week have led me to this conviction!

Over this festive season, my family have begun the painful process of relocating. My parents just built a brand new house, it is huge and makes me feel extremely blessed and grateful. I have been staying in it as it has been known that people come to new houses out here (in the stix) to cut the main line of new houses, what that means is that i am staying in the house so nothing bad happens. It also means i can get away from the family too and as crazy as this sounds, it has been perfect timing for me. Our current/last house was too small for 5 large people to live in. As i moved into their house from my solitary renting, it has now been 4 long years at home. Minding their new house over the last week has been so refreshing. Did i mention i love my own company?

At the expense of sounding mushy, after a few weeks of trying to organise a date with a particular person, i have decided i don't particularly want to be in a relationship with any guys right now, if ever. They are too much hard work, time and effort. I don't want to give my time to a man. I don't want to have to worry about how much time i spend with them, when i should call, how often to text. I don't wanna have to deal with their feelings or emotions, one mind/emotions of my own are even too much for me. My peers and extended family are well and truly ahead of me in this game called love and i have not kept up. I enjoy this single life far too much to give it away. I'm just not ready for it. I'm free to be whoever i want to be, go wherever i want to go and i don't have anyone to tie me down - how can i give that up? I guess i must love my own time and space too much...

And tonight...ahhhh....i haven't been at home and so i haven't really had the chance to indulge in 'leftovers' so i ordered pizza and coke. It was so delightful. It has been the most glorious night!! The rain has also sent a cool airflow through the house and i have enjoyed no texts and no calls, just pizza, coke, rain, laptop and a big brand new house all to myelf!!!!

To an ordinary person, the kind that love the company of others, loud music, wild parties or sizzling bbqs, the kind that cannot relax in an empty house in their own presence, this night of nights might not seem special or entertaining but to me, one who finds great enjoyment in the solitary life, it was bliss.

Christmas Sucker

2010-12-23T00:57:00.004+11:00

I think when I actually am honest about it, i actually really do love Christmas. I love the twinkling lights, i love the carols and all the Christmas music that is kept on a loop in shopping centres, i love the excitement it brings to children, i love love love that it's a good excuse to watch 'The Grinch' with Jim Carey (fav movie!!!!), i love Christmas tree decorations that i spend days looking at, i especially love the festive custard, i love that people enjoy each other's company, i love the presents both giving them AND getting them!!! There are SO many things to love about Christmas!

But i suppose there are other things that make it a miserable time also like road rage particularly in the shopping centre car parks and frustrated customers in the check out lines, i also don't like how early they put out their christmas displays and decorations and the fact that santa has dominated this Christmas. I have hardly even seen a SMIDGE of Jesus! There even seem to be more secular songs these days!!!

I guess there is also the emotional side too. The loneliness and people who don't have anyone to celebrate Christmas with, people who are missing loved ones, those who can't afford decorations, presents or even food and so there is always cause to ask what is this Christmas all about? How can one person celebrate and another go without?

With so many mixed emotions and different things happening Christmas saddens me, wouldn't it be just grand if for once, just one little time, everyone could be happy and celebrating the one same thing? Can't i please just give my Buddhist friend from work just one little present without feeling like i shouldn't have???

When i get confused by these sort of things in life, i just wanna give up!!!! We're always trying to please people, sacrificing one thing for another. Should we be happy? Should we be mad? Should we give, should we not? Should we feel guilty? Or should we feel blessed?

Sometimes i just think it would be easier if we didn't have Christmas at all, that December was just another calendar month of the year - don't you think it would just be a whole lot easier?!

I think it was mighty grand that Jesus was born into this world, i really do, don't get me wrong and i think if all the fuss was because of that fact then great!!! But i wonder if you were to do a survey of what Christmas is, there would be a lot of different responses.

(PS: Remember the reason for the hype this festive season!!! Merry Christmas and have a safe New Year, stay tuned for an epic FACEBOOK blog!!!!)

ELF YOURSELF!!!!!

2010-12-08T21:04:00.001+11:00

Happy Thanksgiving America!!!

2010-11-26T12:16:00.028+11:00

In no particular order.....

Megan

Where to start with this one....ugh....so many amazing wonderful things about this girl!!! Megan, you are one of those people that believes in all the things i never believe about myself and somehow, that makes me actually WANT to believe in who i am. You are so inspirational, fun to be around, caring, kind, super compassionate and just all round amazing. You have a heart the size of the ocean and a pair of arms just as wide to surround and sniff me with. Megan, you are so amazing and i am thankful beyond words to God for bringing you into my life!!!! Love love LOVE YOU!!!!! If only we had more time together!

Justin

Again, where do i start with this one?!?!?! You are one of my best friends in the entire world!!! You let me be me, i'm not anyone else when i'm around you just ME. You don't judge anyone and you're super friendly. I know i can talk to you about anything and everything, you're just another one of my girlfriends but you're a guy! lol....that wasn't an insult j-Town!!! You give great hugs and always have my back, you don't let anyone mess with me! Justin Smith what would i do without you?! I'm pretty sure God knew i needed a friend like you!!! I am sooo thankful to him that we're besties!!! You're a shoulder to laugh and cry on and i thank you for your friendship, it means the world to me!!!! Love you to piecessss!!!!! One world, one hope!

Latisa

Best friend everrrrr!!!!! When i think about you and your whole family in fact, i think how blessed i am by God to have you all in my life (Denise, i LOVE her)!!!! When i talk to God about you and when i thank him every time for your friendship to me, i feel like doing a little jig, it makes me so happy that we're friends. i love you so so much and i love everything about you EVERYTHING and for the record, i love you more than Antwon!!!! I love all your tantrums, i love your laugh, i love your personality, i love the cereal you buy when things get.....hard, i love your period pain, i love that you're so beautiful (reminds me how talented God is), i love that you're my friend, i love your passion about all things in life but i just. love. you. When i met you, God really knew what he was doing putting you in my life. I miss you so much all the time even when i'm with you and i wish we could make a hundred million memories together but for now i will have to do with what i've got!!! I really wanna grow old knowing that you'll always be my friend. I give God all the praise for you!!!

Antwon

To have met or not to have met, that is the question!!!! You are totally one of my best friends in the world and i know that you and i will always be there for each other, we will ALWAYS have each others back regardless of where we live and for that i am thankful. I am thankful to God for who you are to me and to others. You don't judge people and you're a warm and friendly, open person. Your laugh and your smile is infectious and warms my heart. You're super, unfairly talented (best voice and dancer EVERRRRR) and you're very caring and supportive of those around you. You go out of your way to help people. I am super thankful for all your hugs - they are THE bomb, makes me feel safe and loved, i miss them so much!!!! Because God knows what he is doing, i am thankful that you are my friend. You mean the world to me and you always will!!! Super dooper thankful!!!

John

My filo-american friend!!! The reason i am so thankful for you is because you befriended me without even knowing absolutely ANYTHING about me, better luck next time haha. Your nature is so open and so warm. You don't judge people and you're so inviting!!! I love making you laugh because your laugh is so jovial and hilarious. You always pray for me and my circumstances and i thank God for someone who does that for me. You are marrying THE most gorgeous girl everrrrr!!!! I really thank God for our friendship because it is totally out of this world!!! Couldn't ask for anything more!!!

Crystal

(Send me photos!!!!!)

Something inside of me told me that we'd be sweet friends that day that we shared our testimonies with each other - i loved that day and i thank God for your openness and your care and concern. You're such a good listener. I also thank God for your heart, it's so big, so compassionate, so PASSIONATE!!! You are super talented and have an amazing voice and guitar-playing skills! I love that you love me - that's so cool, i am so undeserving of a friend like you and yet God has blessed me with your friendship!!!! I love that we got to meet this summer because i think you're a wonderful person!!! I always remember sitting on the stairs after Music Camp chatting on the most beautiful day eating our pack lunches like little kids, i wish we could do that again but am thankful for that day, i am also thankful for the day we spent sitting on the dock, having our own church service haha....i love you and John so much!!!!!! Can't wait til the next time we get to go Purity ring shopping again!!!

Jeff

You, Jeff, are amazing!!!!! i thank God for you all the way back when i met you three years ago!!!! I may not say this or express this enough or often, but i have so much respect for you and i thank you for being my director three years ago and teaching me the ropes of what summer camp and the hearts of people is all about! I thank God for you a lot. I thank God for sparing your life because i have learnt so much from you and every time i see you, I learn more! You are an inspiration and you are joy made complete. I know this because when i see you, my heart is warmed and you always bring a smile/joy to my face! You are talented and your words are wise! You're a cheeky man that can pretty much get away with anything! God is sovereign, i know you don't like big words, so lemme break it down for you. God is bigger than anything we ever dreamt he would be!!! SOOOOOO thankful for that!!!!

Monica (& Dave)

You are the kindest, most warm and great person i know!!!! You always make me smile and you have the ability to turn a bad day into a good one. You always know what to say to make everything better. You have the answer to all life's problems hahaha....ok maybe not ALLLL but almost!!! I love your love for all things nature, even all things dead, it's fascinating!!! You are one of my most favourite American blessings!!!! You're so generous and caring. I love that you seem to get more out of people's reaction than the actual giving process, i wanna be like you!!! Most of all, i love your heart and I am thankful for who you and how you have impacted my American experience, you do God and your country proud!!! So faithful and encouraging - praise Jesus!!!

Bob

You know what i am thankful for, don't you Bob?! You are the one i give thanks to for my WHOLE entire American experience. Without you, i never would've met so many amazing, great, talented people. So for that, i thank YOU. I also thank you for all my camp experiences, both good and bad and i give God the complete praise for Del Oro, for the work that is carried out there, for the people, both campers and staff and for yourself, who you are, keeping it all going!!! You are so blessed to live there and i am so blessed to be given the opportunity to work under you at that place of gold!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!

Jessica

We have shared great times together!!!! I'm am so grateful that you are my friend. You're easy to make laugh and when you laugh it makes me laugh. You are engrossed in your laptop and with sleep. But I am thankful for the times when we have been able to share deep conversations. You are all things sorority and I am also thankful that you gave me much insight into these so-called sororities of which i never want to be a part haha!!! But seriously, i'm so excited about our friendship and so glad God brought you into my life, he has used you to heal my heart, you have a fresh, vibrant personality and are such a joy to be around, thank you!!!!

Mackenzie

I think i might cry writing this!!! Macko, your friendship is priceless, deadset! I just wish it was one we could share 24/7. Your insight and advice is also priceless. You are a true woman of God - when i think of what a Godly woman looks like, i think of you, i honestly do. You have such compassion and care for humankind and i LOVE LOVE LOVE all the different mack expressions, you're such a character. You know how to make people feel of worth and how to make people feel loved and included. You're a generous person and an amazing host!!!!! You are much younger than me and yet i feel as if you are my age or older, you have so much life experience and so much wisdom to offer people. i love you to infinity and beyond always!!!! God is so good to me and when i look at who you are and the role you have played in my life, it reminds me of his huge blessings in my life, humbles me and makes me so thankful!!!

Justin

You are married to a ROCK!!!! But as your own entity, you are just as grand!!! I am so thankful to the Lord that i was able to spend quality time with you this past summer. Man, i see so much of Jesus in you (and Mack) it's like you guys have spent time in person, face to face with Jesus himself!!!! If that's the case, where is he???? I wanna go visit!!!! But you have such a huge heart and you are so obliging, you are willing to do absolutely anything for anybody, you believe in people when others don't believe in them. You stick like glue to the philosophy of 'innocent until proven guilty'! I'm thankful that you trust me and that you believe in me. I'm also thankful that you treat me with so much respect - you treat everyone like that!!! I love having you and Mack in my life - i really do!!! So thankful to God!!!

Rikki-Jo

(Where are all my rikki-jo photos? Probably on FB)

i love you with an undying passion!!! Your smile and your laugh makes me feel loved, and sometimes like a comedian. i love that i can talk to you about anything. You are my all time favourite American loverrrrr!!!! I was sad i couldn't hang out with you this summer particularly because of how warmly and excitedly you greeted me at the airport - omg i love you!!!!!! Our song will always be Kelly Clarkson - I do not hook up!!! I miss you so so so so much!!!!!! And i love you just as equally much, you are such a blessing from God which i am so extremely thankful for!!!

Kellie

You and me have so many great memories. So many funny times!!! I think one of the reasons God brought us together was for sheer entertainment and good times!!! You keep me grounded so much!!! Rmember when we stayed in the nurses station at the start of the summer and we laughed ourselves to sleep over NOTHING!!!! Ahhh those are the times! All our macbook fun - we love macbooks yea baby yea!!! And like Rikki-Jo, you and me also share a song together full moon by the black ghosts - great driving music!!! Kellie, with the different spelling, my best memory of you is 4th July - that was so good and our craft making day - ahhhhh love. You're so much fun to have around and i am SO thankful that God has allowed us to build such a solid friendship!!!!

Blake

You are an absolute nut case but i love love love you!!!! You are my heart and soul and i am so blessed to have such an amazing friend like you. You are what makes my trips to America so special and so blessed. I love being able to catch up with you. You are so polite and so respectful. Don't change for anyone. Don't let anyone convince you to be someone you're not because you're pretty amazing just the way you are! When i pray for you, my heart sings praises to God. You are one of my many blessings and i thank God for who you are - so tops!!!

Sarah

You're a funny lady!!! Well you make me laugh anyway. I love your smiley eyes and when you laugh, your whole face lights up! A major reason i'm so thankful for your friendship is because you're my age and it is rare to find people like you to befriend. You're a pretty amazing person and i mean amazing in every way possible. You're an amazing leader, you're amazing with kids, you're amazing at being independent, you're an amazing animal and nature person but you're so down to earth and fun and brilliant! I'm so thankful that i have the privilege to call you my friend and over the last three years it has been an absolute blessing and honour to get to know you better - you're so amazing!!! Looking forward to sharing in your babies life with you!!!! Can't wait!!! LOVE!!!!

There are sooooooo many other people that i can think of that i love and that i am super dooper thankful for so if your name isn't mentioned here, it's not because i love you any less, it's just because i could definitely go on for days about every single American friend I have and i give thanks to God every time i think of each and every one of you!!!!!!

He has blessed me hugely with all things American! Thank you Jesus!!!!

Friendship Is Not Forever

2010-11-26T11:45:00.002+11:00

It's always really hard coming back from a positive and encouraging environment such as camp to the 'real world' where things aren't as black and white. But for some reason i have found it particularly harder than usual this time 'round.

Mostly these feelings have emanated from friends too, which is really sad and really draws attention to the absence of my American friends who seem to always be there for you 24/7 no matter what, even when the miles between us are so great.

I think i've lost two relatively close friends this year.

It has somewhat hurt me I have to say and definitely made me question whether my friendship with them ever meant anything to either of them at all. I know that i haven't done anything to warrant being cut off from them. I never expect anything from any of my friendships but when i'm cut off like this, it makes me wonder what i did that was so unworthy of their friendship.

It's also hard to realise how much wasted time and effort was put into something that was only ever one-sided and it's a bit of a shock not to have seen it coming too, not to have realised i was a burden that they were just carrying.

But i guess we leave these things to fade and eventually we recover and heal from these things that tear us open, left to bleed. It's probably a comfort to know that it happens to probably all of us but i'll always remember good times and wonder how it ever ended like this and that's probably a very hard thing to have to come to terms and deal with, it would just be easier if i could erase thinking about those times.

I understand that people move on with their lives but didn't realise cutting ties with people you once called a 'friend' was part of moving on. Maybe i'm under the disillusion that friends are friends forever. I just always thought it was true and i guess it's more of a fairytale than a truth - that's difficult to accept.

I love that Jesus WANTS to spend time with me. I love that his friendship is not exclusive. He associates with me because he loves me, because he WANTS to not because it's any kind of obligation and because of that, i am definitely unworthy of such a love and friendship. If anyone has any kind of reason to turn their back on me, it would be him and yet he, of all people, doesn't. I don't always live a life worthy of his grace and his love and yet he still seeks to be in relationship with me. I am so lucky that he loves me and is my friend and he's not gonna cut me off because i don't act or look a certain way or meet his requirements. I was just always under the impression that we're supposed to strive to be like him.

USA Summer Camps

2010-11-20T18:22:00.002+11:00

www.ccusa.com.au

That is all.

Facebook Comparable to the Telephone

2010-11-15T18:56:00.000+11:00

Facebook now 'ingrained' in

relationships

Danny Rose, AAP Medical Writer, AAPNovember 15, 2010, 3:06 pm

AAP ©Enlarge photo

An Australian study shows how Facebook and other forms of online social networking are now "ingrained" and how, for many, their friendships have come to depend on it.

Those who opt out completely were now a rare breed, the poll revealed, with just three per cent of respondents aged 18 to 30 not having a Facebook profile or equivalent.

While among respondents aged up to 80 years, the percentage of those who shunned all forms on online social networking was still less than 15 per cent.

"It is really ingrained in our society now," said Dr Rebecca Mathews, a researcher at the Australian Psychological Society (APS), told AAP on Monday.

"It is a major change in the way we communicate; I guess the telephone being invented was another major one that is comparable."

Dr Mathews polled more than 1800 people and found, overall, that 86 per cent were using online social networking - the vast majority using Facebook but also sites like Twitter and RSVP - and for many it was now part of their everyday routine.

A majority (53 per cent) of respondents said the websites gave them more regular contact with friends and family, while 79 per cent said it fostered closer ties with those living far away.

About a quarter (26 per cent) said they went out more and had more face-to-face contact as a result online social networking.

Half (52 per cent) of users aged 18 to 30 said they would "lose contact with many of their friends if they stopped", which raises the hypothetical question of what if Facebook was ever switched off?

"I don't think we'd fall in a heap, but it would be a major adjustment," Dr Mathews said.

"Once we introduce technology we really struggle to go backwards and, overall, we do think it is a positive."

More than a quarter (28 per cent) reported a "negative experience", such as harassment or unwanted contact, from online social networking but Dr Mathews said this matched rates of bullying in schools and workplaces.

"It may not be be that online social networking sites are a vehicle for negative experiences and bullying but just another forum in which they occur," she said.

Other key findings include:

Among those who shun online social networking, the most common reasons were loss of interest, having "better things to do" and preferring to speak to people face-to-face.

The majority (77 per cent) of users checked their profile daily, while 51 per cent did so "several times" daily.

It's not a youth-dominated activity, with 81 per cent of those aged 31 to 50, and 64 per cent of those over 50, using online social networking.

One in five (21 per cent) of those aged 31 to 50 admitted to forming an "intimate relationship" with someone they met online.

Facebook users aged under 30 had an average 263 friends, while those aged 31 to 50 had 206 friends and those aged over 50 had 92 friends.

People are reporting they have more social connections, and feeling part of a group is really important ... so we see this as really positive for their mental health," Dr Mathews said.

" ... As long as people set up the sites to meet their personal needs and to protect themselves (in terms of privacy)."

The APS has a guide to positive online social networking posted on its website at www.psychology.org.au/community/topics/socialnetworking/tips.

The research was released to mark National Psychology Week (November 14 - 20).

Summer Time

2010-11-13T09:22:00.002+11:00

Annnnnnd here we go again.....

So for me, this will be my 7th summer in a row. Not that that's a record by any means (some ex-CCUSA'ers have seen a HEAP more that that!) But it's still crazy nonetheless!

I never used to like summer at all. It gets hot, i sweat, it just makes me feel like i'm inside this ginormous oven and no. I preferred the winter, where my face didn't look like a red, puffy, sweaty bloatation.

Then i went to summer camp. Still, i hated the heat.

Then i'd go back again and again and before i knew it, i was becoming accustomed to hot weather and not minding it so much.

So as a result, next year will be my first winter in three years and i am NOT looking forward to it, it is just going to be intense, i just know it!

I think i've blogged this before, but the summer at camp is a lot different to our summer here, at least in Nevada City anyways! At about 6 or 7pm, the sun starts going down and hence so does the weather! The nights are cooler, so cool in fact that you must wear sweat pants and sweaters to bed plus about 2 blankets!!! This is the middle of summer remember! Also, the mornings are cooler too and the heat doesn't start setting in til about 10am. It's the way summer SHOULD be!!!!

For those of you reading this who AREN'T Australian, the summer here, well at least in Sydney anyway, is just hot all season round! Summer hasn't even started here yet and already, it's 9am and 81 degrees fahrenheit (27c)!!!! Same goes for the evenings, in the middle of summer, it can be 3am and a blistering 83 degrees fahrenheit (30c) - AT 3AM!!!!!

I guess i'm just sold on the idea of cooler mornings and evenings, hot during the day!

Pumpkin Carving

2010-11-09T19:40:00.003+11:00

Ok so i know Halloween has been and gone by a couple of weeks now but i ordered a pumpkin carving kit before Halloween and it has just arrived now because i ordered it too late.

So being the way i am, i wanted to wait til i got the kit until i carved my ginormous mother of a pumpkin!

So here i am, about 2 weeks after Halloween, carving my pumpkin.

Just wanted to post some pics. I'm pretty chuffed with my first pumpkin carving and i had a blast doing it - can't wait til next year!!!! Enjoy the pics!!!

Eat Pray Love and Rain

2010-11-01T23:44:00.004+11:00

This may very well be short and sweet or long and drab, i can't decide which it will be.

I have just been out to see 'Eat.Pray.Love'.

Although this may seem like a review, it's more just my recollections of what just happened.

I liked the movie, not enough to buy it on DVD but enough to understand it (?). There were definitely some dodgey parts and a lot of things that i didn't agree with. Or maybe not a lot but just a handful of things (?).

But at random times throughout the film, i had tears the size of oceans in my eyes, at one point both my eyes leaked tears. SO glad i keep a tissue in my handbag at all times, although as i was not the only one in the cinema and the furtherest to the front, it was a little awkward sitting there dabbing at my eyes.

That movie has a lot of different elements going on for it like where you're at spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. For me i have questions about how old i am, what i'm doing with my life, who i should spend my life with, will it even happen etc and those things aren't going to relate to someone who has all those answers already. So depending on where you're at in life will determine how much you get out of that movie i suppose.

I have lots going on in my life right now and am super emotionally turbo-charged so i think i just cry at the drop of a hat anyway. But that movie kinda left me feeling emotionally confused in a sweet kind of way haha...

On a completely different note, it's raining here. I love the rain SO MUCH!!! I don't know what it is about rain but i feel so refreshed when i see it rain, like something in me changes. I love it particularly at night when everything looks all wet and glossy! The night light catching everything in different lights. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!

Tonight as i drove home, i loved having my windscreen wipers cranking. I loved sitting in the car after i'd turned my ignition off, just listening to the drops of rain patter on the roof, reminded me of the sound it makes when you're snugged up camping in a tent. And as i got out of the car i loved feeling it lightly fall on my head. Call me crazy but i was loving the moment of it so much that i just kinda stood there for a couple of minutes taking in the night rain, the sounds, the smell, the visuals. Plain and simple, I just love rain.

And that's about all i wanted to write.

Revisiting Old Blogs - Peace

2010-11-01T00:31:00.004+11:00

Every now and then I'll go back through all my blogs and read the old ones. They're so good, so refreshing which is why i like to blog about anything and everything, because i never which ones will inspire or encourage me further down the track.

I was reading through my blogs looking for something in particular when i came across something that re-challenged me.

One Sunday, while i was at camp, i visited The Salvation Army in Grass Valley and a lot of the time most of what the minister there said would go right over my head. But this one time i remember i was dealing with a lot of emotional things, trying to put everything in my head in order and he talked about something that caught me off-guard. So often a minister will say something that i never see coming that speaks into my current circumstance.

He talked about giving God the reigns, handing it all over to him - everything we worry about, everything we wish we could fix ourselves but can't, the whole kit and caboodle.

Previously a friend of mine had emailed me telling me to leave it with God because he would figure it out.

So during that sermon i did, i handed most of it over to God and at the time, thought i'd handed ALL of it to him to deal with.

Now reading through my old blog, i read that once we do that, he will fill us with a peace that transcends all understanding.

But since then, i haven't really felt a peace about my situation and part of that is because when i thought i'd handed over the reigns, i think i only gave him one and not two. I'm still holding on to some of it, i still want the results and the answers that i need to have but deep in my heart i know that his will is best for my life.

So i'm still praying for that peace and for open hands and something i should let go of and leave with God as painful as it feels.

Just a random thought i wanted to share.

Costume Parties and Pumpkins

2010-10-31T10:18:00.004+11:00

Something that i've learnt from my Dad's side of the family in the last couple of years is not to take things so seriously, to have fun with what you're given. Something else that i learnt from them in the years of growing up was to use your imagination which, i'll admit has not always been helpful at times.

They brought me up on movies like the Dark Crystal and the Neverending Story, with people like Dorothy and the characters from Oz, including the Nome King that didn't like chickens and, more relevant to this blog, ha, Jack Pumpkinhead. There was Star Trek and Ewoks. Fantasy was their mainstream imagination.

I'm not usually one to join in with these sort of debates because i most usually just can't be bothered. But something i've noticed on Twitter a lot lately is the Halloween abuse. Of course it mostly stems from Christians and that's fair enough, it's not exactly a Christian holiday. But i've seen it more from Australians than Americans.

Again, fair enough, Halloween is not a traditional Australian Holiday either, it's mostly an American fuss that the few Australians enjoy as well, so i can understand the proud fascist Australians who might hold this in disregard and each to their own i guess. I think Australians forget that Americans have grown up with this holiday and so their understanding and their culture of Halloween is different to our concept of what it is.

But whilst i understand that the origins of Halloween are not in fact Christian, i never realised people also don't approve of dressing up, throwing a party in costume and even making a day of pumpkin carving.

Pumpkin carving is strangely fascinating. It's something i've become acquainted with recently just for the sheer reason that i wanted to participate in it once in my life. The lengths that some people go to carving their pumpkins is AMAZING (check out the extremes here) but i think mine will just be a simple jack-o-lantern similar to the ones on this website.

Now again, people will criticise me for including pumpkin carving in this blog because a pumpkin was originally set out to ward off evil spirits. I recently went to a page where a family had made a day out of carving their pumpkins. There wasn't anything evil about it, they were just an ordinary family spending some quality time together, getting their hands messy with pumpkin guts, ready to carve pumpkins. You can scroll down to their pictures here.

I'm not saying that it's all goodness. Yes, it does open the door to evil and yes it is a day when pagan activities are indulged in just like any other sinful behaviour that happens around the world 24/7, sin is sin.

What I'm saying is that for the majority of us (or Americans i should say) is that it's just a day of fun, imagination and creativity, mostly for the little kids. We live in a sinful world. But ignoring Halloween or getting rid of Halloween or even criticising and judging it, is not going to make this world any less sinful.

I think i would rather choose to actively make the world i live in a positive one, to make do with what i've got and maybe, just maybe in the process of doing that, i might have the awesome opportunity to share Jesus with someone.

Unbroken

2010-10-08T10:01:00.002+11:00

The lyrics of this song are so intense and pretty much sum me up - thank you Stan!

(The big, bold words are ones i really love!!)

I don't know what this is
But I can tell it's something that I can't miss
It's like your showing me where happiness lives
And all I have the strength to do is turn to you
With every empty space

I'm missing pieces only you can replace
I'm like a package saying please don't *break*
The contents are fragile, so I'm glad your here to stay

I can promise you that this heart
Was brighter than a falling star
And all the money that I could take
Now theres nothing more I can break

You picked up my pieces and put me together
There's no way you'd ever know
That my heart was breaking
Cause you came and threw me a line
I was falling apart but now I'm falling forever
For someone who wont let go
My love's a token
Because of you I'm unbroken
Now every piece of my heart is falling back into place

Time stops
When I'm with you I count the seconds I got
Cause every minute I was something I'm not
You give them back to me
It's like history, don't mean a thing
When I try to run away I can't hide
I'm in the dark and all I see is your light
And your shining brighter than anything I've ever seen

And I can promise you this heart
Will be a falling star
Cause you know what it means

You picked up my pieces and put me together
There's no way you'd ever know

I just woke up from a dream when I was in one piece
No fragment of me had ever seen these streets
Love held me together and it never let me go

Now every piece of my heart is falling back into place

Unbroken by Stan Walker

R U OK?

2010-10-07T17:18:00.005+11:00

In a usual blog, i don't often have anything worth blogging about but in this blog i do, i can assure of that. For those of you who know me, you know that i almost always wear my heart on my sleeve, so in the spirit of doing just that, what i'm about to write next is personal to me, but i'm ok and i think that if we all share our story, someone going through something similar might think they're ok too....

From the age of about 17 through til i was about 23, i was plagued with thoughts of suicide at almost every turn. Thoughts that, had Jesus not have 'picked up my pieces', so to speak, i might not have been here to tell that story.

I've never had great self-esteem/self worth, never had a huge bundle of friends and not really even had that one close friend you share everything with but i've learnt to deal with it.

I've always hidden these sort of feelings with a mask of loudness, being outgoing and to a point being obnoxious and outspoken to cover my insecurity of being fat and not being good enough and of being a failure.

It got to a point at the age of 18 where I didn't want to be alive anymore and had all these feelings of self-hate and thought of ways to end my life completely. You name it, i thought it. Slitting my wrists, hanging myself, overdosing. At that age i wasn't aware that one could gas themselves in a car and so the fear of physical pain outweighed my emotional and mental pain enough to keep me alive i guess.

Between the ages of 21 and 23 i used guys to fill that void of loneliness and not people i knew either, complete strangers.

At a Salvation Army christian conference, Double Impact, Jesus came between myself and all the wrong lies i'd been told or had told myself up until that point. I now have a committed relationship with him because he told me the truth about myself and i live my life with Jesus as a central priority of my life.

He gives me joy where there was sadness, he is a friend when there is loneliness, he loves on me when i am unloved, he tells me the truth when the enemy fills my head with lies.

And that's just it, there ARE times when all these things come back to haunt me but i have full confidence and faith in a God who is faithful and who loves me limitlessly, who knows my true self-worth. And there are some days where i DO feel down in the dumps and beside myself but God picks me up and shows me what the purpose for my life is, he continues to love on me on those days of self-loathing and when i spend the time with him, he speaks words of healing over my life and of comfort and peace, soooo many times he's filled my heart with peace.

But it's because of his grace and mercy and love that i can tell people that IT IS OK! There is more to life, more to live for, more than what you think there is at the end of the day.

Those that are hurting might not believe in Jesus and that's fine, that is completely their own decision and the point of this story is not to 'bible bash' someone into a relationship with Christ, although if they DID come into a relationship with him because of this, that would be super cool. But the point is that there are so many obstacles we have to face in life but that we're not alone! Everyone has to cross them at some point, everyone. What you choose to do with that obstacle is what sets you apart from the rest of the 'rat race'. And if it seems too difficult, like you just can't keep going, you HAVE to know that there IS help out there, there ARE people EXACTLY in your same situation, people that KNOW how it feels to feel sad and feel lonely and to feel hurt mentally, spiritually, physically or emotionally, you don't have to do it alone, and the thought of taking one's own life should NEVER have to be an option!

That's just my story in a nutshell and sadly, i KNOW there are people whose story is much more heart-breaking than mine which is why it's SO important to ask people how they're holding up and how they're doing.

And to all my friends who regularly support, encourage and love me, YOU are Jesus in my life - you're the ones who keep me going! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

To Katie Ryan/Reid and Pip Almond, your love and generosity is one that i will forever remember and a love that has changed my life completely!!!!

So having said all that, the actual point of my blog is that it's 'R U OK?' day. Who have you asked if they're ok? Who are you GOING to ask if they're ok?

So....

R U OK??? What's your story???

www.ruokday.com.au

Babysitting

2010-09-28T17:50:00.003+10:00

Here i am again! Still don't have anything exciting to write about but i don't know that that will ever happen until i'm famous or a millionaire, whichever comes first but i'm not even sure either of those things will ever come to pass!

So i WAS going to blog about the weather but felt that would be a boring sort of thing (although it's been so perfect, i've absolutely loved this week!).

But i decided to TRY and get some feedback from you (i'm not even sure anyone reads this!).

Being unemployed is a mundane life and it's not an exciting past time, that's for sure! So i've been thinking about ways I can make my own money seeing as though no-one feels the need to hire me and fair enough, i don't know that i'd hire me either!

So i'm thinking of babysitting. It's school hols, mums and dads always looking for a cheap fix for their lil ones and so maybe i should do some advertising and pick up some babysitting work. Awesome, cool, wonderful, gnarly! The only thing that worries me, is going into random, strangers homes to look after their children. I mean, i'm not opposed to it, it's just something that crossed my mind.

I wanna know what you think! Because if y'all think it's ok, i might do my little advert and stick it who knows where!

Anyways, i'll keep trying to find things worthwhile to blog. =)

Movie Rentals

2010-09-03T18:53:00.002+10:00

I wanted to blog about something tonight but didn't really have anything interesting to say....until now, although it's probably still not that interesting!

In my times of boredom (like now) i search for entertaining things to do! Preferably things that won't cost me a dime but sometimes that is a little unavoidable!

Tonight in my quest for something entertaining, i remembered that i had some credit left on an iTunes card i'd bought so i went to iTunes hoping to download a movie!

Well it turns out that i got more than i bargained for, but let me explain something to you first.

When i was over in the States (and it's probably here as well, not sure!), they have this thing called Red Box and what you do is you go to the local supermarket and there is a red box with dvd rentals in it! You rent whichever movie appeals to you, take it home, watch it, and return it back to the box!

It's kinda like a DVD hire atm! It's really cool!

So back to my iTunes story....

YOU CAN RENT MOVIES ON ITUNES!!!!!!!!!

I was over the moon, it's like the most hassle-free way of renting DVD's AND you don't even have to leave the comfort of your own home! I truly loved this discovery!

Pretty soon, we'll be telling our grandkids (well those of you who will have them anyways) that 'back in the day' 'when i was a kid' we had these things called Movie stores, Video Ezy is one i remember......where you'd have to go there and choose a movie to hire! You'd have to be a member and everything!

HA!

Anyways, i'm off to go choose a movie.....'The Runaways' looks kinda fun!

Song Writing

2010-08-31T21:28:00.003+10:00

I really wanna write songs about stuff but i don't know how.

Sad face.

Life is like a rollercoaster

2010-08-30T14:12:00.002+10:00

I don't really have anything to write here today except that my application is all done for TAFE, did that today and now am just waiting for a transcript of a certificate i did, to add to the application - supporting documents or something.

Life here atm seems so up and down, and i don't just mean emotionally. I mean it about all sorts of things, one second i have money, another i don't. One minute i'm content just being back, another i'm not. One minute i'm ok with being in my own company and the next i'm wishing i had people to chill and laugh with. It's like rollercoaster ride that i can't seem to enjoy because of all the unexpected jolting around!

This week is a bit of a downer simply because my finances are sketchy. Why does it seem that when you run out of money, things just seem so boring and frustrating.

Paris Hilton is a loser. I watched her bff show on fox, epic fail. But one thing she has that i want is fame and riches. She doesn't even have to do anything to acquire it! She is just Paris and THAT'S what gives her fame and riches. SIGHS. I would like to not have to earn money, that it would just show itself up in my bank account would be a beautiful thing.

So.

That's about it really.

...

mmm, yea.

Pathways

2010-08-25T20:23:00.002+10:00

Just before i start this post, y'all should check out a RECENT POST i wrote before i went overseas. I'd saved it to my drafts and never posted it (i don't know why), so today, i posted it. It's interesting. Just read it! hahaha...

I have been blogging now for ..... i dunno .....5 years maybe? July 2005 was my first post.

I know, it's crazy, seems like yesterday i was crooning over Brad and loving Big Brother! But i love it. Most of the time i don't have anything much worth saying and a lot of the time it's all nonsical (trust me, i have the list!) AND i could rave on for hours about nothing inparticular but i love blogging nonetheless.

Post-camp life is a lame downward spiral drag and i HATE HATE HATE that no-one gets it, it never gets any better, every year it's exactly the same. Whenever i reminisce about something or someone from camp, i feel like a broken record that people say 'that's nice dear' to and go about their day. Gahhh. I just want to live in my own camp world forever, which leads me to my next subject.

I am old and i still don't know where my life should go. I am actually literally motivated to do NOTHING. There is absolutely nothing that my hearts desire is. Every time i think about what it is i should do, my mind goes blank. All of my being just says, 'go live in America' but that's hardly a life-long profession now is it?! Often i find myself repeating this little phrase, 'if camp was a year long experience, i would have found my career!'

Sooooo i THIIIINK today i made the decision to do the Certificate 4 in Community Services at TAFE (community college) which starts in February and then if i complete that, then I'll do my Diploma in Community Services. Hopefully in the middle of that or the end, whatever comes first i can then become a case worker or something equally as respectable and then, at the end of all that, i might then be able to make the move to work in my career field in the USA. That is my plan (my uncle keeps telling me that he has a vision of me living in the USA someday).

Of course, if i am able to continue my studies in America, that would be a bonus but just as an added precaution, i plan on finishing all that in the previous order in this dumb country.

And i was thinking about it all today and i guess it feels right. I dunno. For a few years now, i've avoided saying 'this is what God wants' or 'this is God's will for my life' because frankly, i don't know what God's will is for my life. There, i said it. And i don't particularly want to put words in God's mouth for him. I reckon sometimes in my life he's probably been like, 'i said what?' or 'Since when did i ask you to do that?'. Too many times have i wrongly spoken on behalf of God.

When you look back in hindsight of your life (and i understand i'm not quite 70 yet), things start to make sense. You see a much bigger scope of what part God has or is playing in your life.

When i said this next step in my life 'feels right' i guess i am just judging that based on where i've come from and what things have happened in my life over the past 30 years rather than what is God saying to me.

Leaving The Salvation Army church was one of the best decisions i've ever made in my life and yet i still respect and agree with what they stand for as an organisation. But it has also made me much more aware and sensitive of homelessness and welfare issues and the needy people in society. Being part of The Salvation Army exposed me to things i most probably would never have experienced had i not been a part of it and so my heart was broken for these things numerous times throughout my life. I guess the emotional state of my heart now could be a direct result of being brought up in this organisation.

I've seen my parents as Salvation Army officers conduct welfare interviews, i've even completed some random 'youth welfare' course a few years back, i've had the privilege of taking care of School leavers at 'Schoolies', i've been to summer camp and been privileged again working with campers that come from less than the greatest home lives, disadvantaged they're called.

So yea. I guess, whether it's 'God's will' or not, it just seems like the right thing to do considering where i've come from and how my life seems to have been shaped up until this point.

That's all well and good in theory and i really hope to stick by this plan ultimately, but we will just see whether that application form gets handed in before the closing date. I'll definitely keep this blog updated!

In Times of Boredom

2010-08-23T19:46:00.004+10:00

FACEINHOLE, GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!!!!

My Boring Country

2010-08-23T12:33:00.003+10:00

So the unpacking begins.....ugh.....i hate this with a passion and it doesn't matter where i go, unpacking makes me want to vomit and cry. There's just something super tedious about it and it's really stupid, except for the little surprises you forgot were packed in ie. the dry erase board from Whitney (you are the greatest!!!!!! Jessica, you know what i wrote on it babycakes!!!! tehehe)

Anyway, whoever it was that put a long green and blue lanyard into my bag - um - thank you? Mind you it was pushed into the zipper that had all my bras 'n' things in them, ha! Hope you got a nice surprise whoever you are!

Being home is boring. Nothing to do. It's so crazy thinking about how super fast camp life is and then coming back to .... well....emptiness really, at least that's how it always feels the few weeks after.

Anyway, work has given me some work now so pretty soon everything will be back to it's boring old self again....um, oh yea wait, it's already boring. pffft...

Here, the bread and the vegemite taste like gold, but every other food type is also boring. I declared to our kitchen, in front of my father yesterday that 'i hate this country!!!!'. It was while i opened the pantry only to find a box of 'make it yourself' cinnamon scrolls - the only way you get them here. Oh Cinnabon how i long for thee.....(Justin save me!)....why did i only eat two instead of 500 hahaha....gahhh....

I think it was Shakespeare or Juliet or someone equally as creative and smart that said 'parting is such sweet sorrow'. Indeed. Not so sure about the sweetness of it tho!

Who, What, Where, When

2010-08-21T19:14:00.002+10:00

Something that's been popping up in my head a few times lately is things about the future.

Today was a good example of this. I was driving back from seeing Stan Walker live (i know, right?!) and thinking about what God could see in my future 5 or even 10 years from now.

I thought it would be kinda handy to at least catch a small glimpse of something that was gonna happen in my future.

Now, i'm not into all that fortune telling stuff and whatever because i believe in a much greater power and have full faith and trust that God knows what he's doing but sometimes just to have something solid to look forward to or to see something worth striving for would be motivation to push ahead.

I mean, God sees the things that will happen every single day of every single year of those 5 to 10 years and just to see one little thing would be so cool.

Coz when i think of my future, i wonder what those days of my life will look like, what things are going to make me cry or laugh or be overflowing with joy, how different will i be? Which people will play a major role in my life? Who will i be close to? Who won't be part of my life anymore? Will i age gracefully? Will i be satisfied and content with the blessings in my life? What sort of things will i have achieved? What do those 5 to 10 years look like?

I wanna know these sorts of things because i want to know what not to worry about, what things i should just not concern myself with, the things i need to forget or the things i need to pursue. Like, am i wasting my time with people and things, am i wasting my time worrying about different aspects of my life? Am i even going to be alive to worry about these things?!

And then i am reminded of what it says in Matthew 6 about worrying and also about what it says in James also about worrying.

Who knows whether we'll be alive to even see tomorrow, why not let it worry about itself. God knows what we need and provides us with this accordingly.

I suppose handing my life over to God and all the things that go along with that is something i am really struggling with at the moment, it's something that i've given to him but something i'm learning to trust him with.

Something i've also learnt about myself in the last 3 months is that i like to control the things that happen around me. I like to be in control of what's going on and my future is something that i can only have so much control over, the rest is up to God to determine.

But just sometimes i want to be able to see what is happening in my future. To see what my face looks like and if i am happy, to see if my dreams come true, to see if everything is the way i planned for it to be.

Again and again and again, i hand it over to God and pray that he guides me and uses my life to glorify him.

This Time 'Round

2010-08-19T09:24:00.003+10:00

I arrived home from the USA yesterday. The jetlag is being kind to me and i am not doing too badly - praise the Lord!

But what i've realised in the last 24 hours, is that being 'home' doesn't seem right. In fact, it seems so wrong.

This is my third year at camp. The first year i arrived home, it felt good, i felt a little outta place, not a lot of people wanted to know about what i'd done and no-one could understand but it was nice being home.

After my second year, i was depressed. I would cry at the drop of a hat and want to be back in the USA. Still, no-one understood me, but being home wasn't quite as nice.

And this time around, everything is just wrong. Nothing here fits. I feel so detached from everything. My heart's not here, my head's not here - i honestly feel like a foreigner here, as if there's nothing on offer here. It feels like everything i do here is futile and won't work.

That was just a thought i wanted to share.

On a seperate, possibly brighter, note, I realised what i want the next journey/step of my life to be about.

Every year when i come home from camp i want to work outdoors and have always thought of getting some sort of qualification in recreation but at the same time it never seems right.

While i was showering off the sick plane grime from my body yesterday, i was thinking about it again and realised that it is the campers who impact my life the most and i want to work with people like the campers. So i think i want to work in something like foster care or with DOCS or something similar. It's actually something i've thought of doing before but never done anything about. Now, it just seems so right.

So next year (always starting the year fresh) I'm thinking of going to TAFE (don't ever wanna go to uni) and getting an appropriate qualification that fits the bill for that direction. I'm a little excited about it.

I also would love to become a qualified piercer and would love to open a piercing studio so will have a think about that too. That might just be a side project though.

Anyway, i know this blog kinda contradicts itself in some ways but i guess i have a lot of different feelings and emotions happening in my body right now and it's just about dealing with all of those things.

Amen the Blackman is back!!!!

2010-05-29T13:12:00.002+10:00

It's kinda weird having two blogs atm but i figure all the stuff i wanna say, i'll put on my camp blog but all the stuff i'm too scared to say i'll put here in the hope that my friends will get a kick out of my more relaxed stories, and more regular, ordinary blog!

So....

WHERE MY AFRICAN-AMERICANS ATTTTTT???????

MY PEOPLE - I HAVE COME HOOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!

Seriously, i think the african americans are my favourite part about this country!!!! They always make me smile and and i just love them!!! i suppose it could have something to do with the fact that somehow, i accidentally got placed in the wrong bucket of dipping paint and am extremely jealous that i am not one of them!!!!

Altho, one of my african american campers once said to me, 'Alisha, to me, you ARE african american!'

For the love of George! I wanted to keep her!

It's my dream to attend a gospel church, to sing in the gospel choir and to be surrounded by a throng of african americans as my friends, family and anyone else you can think of.

They my people, they got my back!

Sorry white pasties but i'm ALWAYS gonna be racist against you - you just don't got it!!!! You can't move, you can't sing, you're all stuck up and seriously people, where's the love at?! In my heart, i am definitely not one o' ya!!!

Link Cleaning

2010-05-20T21:25:00.004+10:00

I've recently noticed that a lot of my links to people's blogs on your right are no longer active.

I am about to delete some of those links.

Not because i'm not friends with those people but purely because the blogs are outdated, some have not posted for a number of years.

If this offends anyone ie. you, write me a note and let me know so i can restore the link but I'm pretty sure it's not going to bother anyone, which is a pretty big generalisation!!!

Likewise, if you have a blog link you'd like me to add, let me know so I can add it!!!

It is definitely something I don't want to do and i am actually tempted to leave the links there for the sake of history but OCD gets the better of me and i need to tidy up my links.

**NB: I don't actually really have OCD but sometimes, i get the need to tidy things up, put things in place, restore order!

Camp Blog

2010-05-19T19:20:00.004+10:00

Hey! Make sure you follow!!!

http://deloro.ccusa.com

Shortest post ever. I know.

New Friends are Silver, but Old Friends are Gold

2010-05-16T15:34:00.004+10:00

I'm going through one of those seasons in my life where everything changes constantly.

Lately I've noticed such a weird change in friendships and the circles of friends that are ours in our lifetime. This is an area of constant change in my life at the moment.

The cycle of the friendship circle is such a bizarre and interesting concept.

I was just part of a wedding yesterday which was beautiful, but the friendship thing interested me. I was the maid of honour for an old friend from high school and i finished high school 12 years ago, so to be part of that ceremony was beautiful on so many levels. For the most part of the night I hung out with my best friend from high school who was also invited to the wedding and it was so good to catch up with her. The last time i saw her was two years ago at our 10 year reunion. It was a good feeling to know that even though we hadn't seen each other for 10 years, our friendship is so strong that it seemed like yesterday we were still driving down the main street of our town blaring music from our car and ordering all the junk food and movies we could find!!! Good times but so many more to be had.

Then after the wedding i chilled with another friend who i've only known for 7 months, a relatively new friend.

I have yet another friend who i don't see too much at all these days and yet used to spend quite a lot of time with.

The topic of friendships is something my brain tries to comprehend and to make sense of and yet i just can't seem to understand how it works.

Every once in a while i think about 80, 90 year old people and my mind starts reeling! I think about the friends i've had in my life and the friends i will have and the dramas, joys and sorrows that go along with that. It makes me feel so overwhelmed. I can't even comprehend their lives!

Imagine getting to be an old person, 80 or 90, imagine all the life experiences you'd have, the people you'd outlive. Imagine getting to that age and making a new friend - it's crazy!!! And then still yet, imagine still having a best childhood friend still alive with you.

I think about marriage and love and how you invest your whole being into one person for however many years and then i think about losing that person either through divorce or through death and how lost and lonely people must feel.

Old people must have so many stories and so many experiences, they too were young once, they made the same mistakes we all experience at some point. They weren't always old and forgetful.

I just sometimes wonder who the next lot of friends i'll have will be. Who are the ones i'll remember and who will i forget?

It's hard enough comprehending things like this in life. Heck, it's hard enough trying to comprehend being 80 or 90 years old and should we even look that far ahead anyway? So to try and comprehend something like eternity, is a complete impossible task.

This probably doesn't make sense, i just kinda typed out things that were going through my mind, which i occasionally do. I think i'd make a good candidate for psych school students!

NB: This was a draft i found in my blogs - i have no idea why i didn't post it!

No Laughing. No Smiling. Not Today.

2010-05-04T22:08:00.003+10:00

So i was laying in bed last night trying to understand a lot of things and failing. I kept asking too many questions to the God of the universe. I love him, i do. My heart belongs completely to him, there is absolutely none like him without a doubt but i got so angry at him. I got so angry that i literally had this vision of myself coming up against a brick wall and slamming it, losing absolute sanity, hitting it, kicking it in a fit of outrage, losing it like when someone goes absolutely nuts.

Then i stopped. When i stopped, i realised i was just laying in bed and had come to the end of my questions. I was so frustrated that i had no answers, that i'd hit a brick wall and the 'vision' was from complete lack of knowledge and helplessness, i could do nothing else BUT lash out at this wall in front of me. Then, laying there, i cried.

There are some things in life that we have no power or control over.

There are some places in life that we are so far removed from that all we can feel is helplessness.

There are far too many things that are left unsaid or kept hidden, that should be spoken and poured out from the heart.

God knows my heart. He is mine and i am his and that's why i can be angry at him. He understands my inability to understand, he knows my frustration, he knows my grief and although i am still angry, still incredibly sad, i will take comfort and refuge in his embrace, in his peace.

"Your smile brings me joy. I truly hope God puts you back in my life one day. Your smile warms my heart and i will remember it forever. I will truly miss you"

~ Blake Webb

I will miss you too Blake. I always have and now I always will.

Party Party Party

2010-04-25T02:21:00.003+10:00

I'm relatively sure i can safely post this next blog without anyone involved reading this. However, i know this is a public blog and i can't stop anyone from reading this, i'm fully aware of that!

It's 2:31am and no, i am not online chatting to anyone. I've just come home, changed into comfy PJ's and am reflecting on the past 5 or so hours with very mixed thoughts.

Tonight i went to a mates birthday party. It wasn't one with musical chairs and pass the parcel, although there WAS a birthday cake, ha!

I have a very mixed and varied bunch of friends. Some are full on Christians, living their lives passionately for Jesus, others are not involved with church, others are on and off Christians and some just don't know Jesus and others still couldn't care less.

Then there is me. Stuck in between all of them. The full on Christians inspire me but also annoy me at the same time. Sometimes they seem to live on their own little cloud and yet i love their passion for God. And the people who don't wanna know Jesus break my heart because their lives are so out of control that they don't care or don't even know it!

As i sit here and blog, the contrast between the worlds is so blatantly obvious. I went to another mates 21st a few weeks back and the difference between the two parties was incredible.

I am in a prime place in my life right now. God has me there for a reason and yet sometimes i don't know what to do with that amazing opportunity but i know full well that it's there, that it's an open door i can step through at any given moment. But it's like not being able to walk, you don't know which foot to put first.

I didn't intend on staying long at this party tonight because i knew i would be so far out of my comfort zone and i was right. But i stayed til almost the end. I helped diffuse a fight, i sat with a sober friend and chatted, i sat with a passed out friend and made sure he was alright and i was there for the party person as a good friend should be. And perhaps God had me stay longer than i wanted to for a reason, who knows?!

But there were so many young lives there putting all their faith into alcohol and other things when there's so much more to life than they think. Twice during the party people said to me, 'you don't drink, you don't smoke, so what do you do?' It was as if that was all there was to having fun or to partying or to life itself. I have to be honest and say that it broke my heart. I saw all the good in them, their potential, their personalities and characters and just felt so sad in my heart that this was all there was to their life.

The hardest part to all of this is that they don't care. To them it's fun, it's what a good time is made of. They're happy doing what they do. I can't change them and nothing i say or do will change anything. I have to leave it with God and trust that his power will break through to them at some point before they die.

I felt like i was a red frog person all over again - realised how much i missed it. Red Frogs has never been personal for me. They're kids i've never met and aren't friends with and so i've never felt as sad as i felt tonight. These are people i know and love, and it upsets me so much more. It's true what the pastor at church said on Sunday night, actions speak louder than words and most often people will hold what you preach against you but they'll never question your actions. He said that our actions speak more truth about who we are than our words do.

To the people at that party who broke my heart into way too many pieces, you are precious and you are loved. Tonight at this early hour of the morning know that i am praying for whatever circumstance you are facing and that this prayer is for every single person i spoke to tonight.

The Sydney Apple Store

2010-04-17T18:24:00.003+10:00

PS: I know a ps usually comes at the end, but i apologise for the widescreen savings - it slips my mind to save in standard mode rather than widescreen sometimes - sorry!!!

Camp Del Oro 2010

2010-04-12T15:14:00.003+10:00

I JUST FOUND THIS AS A DRAFT!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT WAS NEVER PUBLISHED!

The time has come again to go back to the place i consider my second home!

Camp 2010 is just around the corner and it's very exciting and very nerve-wracking at the same time!

Everything's mostly organised and i'm ready to go but i always have last minute second thoughts about everything i do, perhaps it's more cold feet than second thoughts.

Camp this year is something i've put a lot of prayer and consideration into and have desired to do since a couple of months after last year's camp. I know that this is where I am meant to be this year and never have i had doubts that i should go.

I'm really excited because not a lot of people i know will be there this year and so it's an opportunity for me to experience camp fresh, as if it was my first year again.

I think i went to camp last year without having prayed about it much at all and i also went in the shadow of people which are big mistakes to make when going to camp. Camp is not about who you know there, it's not about going to rekindle friendships with other staff, that stuff is a bonus and i think it can become a dangerous trap to fall into.

This year there are a few reasons i'm going. The most important reason i'm going is because the ministry with the teens at this camp is so crucial and it's something i neglected to think of last year. But those teens look up to you and this being my third i know alot of them. I have an idea of where they come from and what pushes their buttons. It's a positive investment into their lives that should be considered a privilege and not something taken for granted. So having said that, that is my main reason for being at camp this year.

The solitude that can be found there is also a motivation. It's time out from life to reflect in nature and draw closer to God, with the intention of gaining more of an understanding of who he is.

I'm excited because I want to draw strength from him and solely rely on him for all that i need which, as i said before, is how i came to camp the first time.

Triple Digits

2010-04-07T20:48:00.004+10:00

~~~~~~~*HAPPY DAY 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*~~~~~~~

Today is significant. Today marks 100 days since the last time i used facebook. It's been a weird ride. Some days i don't notice it at all and other days my fingers are just itching to log in!

What better way to celebrate this 100th day than to receive in the mail a tshirt i bought online! It's too small, but i sent them an email to return it in exchange for a bigger size, and they said not to worry about returning it but just keep it to say thanks for shopping with them. How generous and on what better day for generosity than my 100th day of no facebook! It says hug me! I feel hugged by cafepress.com.au

On a whole it has been a relatively boring day and less exciting than i would've liked but hey, 100 days is done now!

So i have 265 days more to go. See you on facebook in 265 days!

Die Pigeon, Die

2010-04-06T12:48:00.002+10:00

My bedroom is on the second floor of our house, upstairs. Outside my window, is a ledge that is the roof of downstairs.

For some reason, the pigeons love to sit on my window ledge and murder my soul on a saturday and sunday morning, the days i would prefer to sleep in than hear them cooing.

I got so fed up with this weekend occurrence and i was at my wits end and decided to come up with a plan.

My initial plan was to buy a gun and shoot them dead, they are THAT annoying!!! But due the illegalness of this plan, I had to come up with something equally as effective, preferably not as destructive.

And then it came to me. I would buy a water pistol. Similar to that of a gun but just not as deadly.

I wasn't sure if this plan would work and i feared that the pigeons might actually enjoy this and think of it as a morning shower but i would try it nonetheless!

So this morning. I was laying in bed waiting for my first pigeon victim and suddenly, i hear the dreaded sound of cooing. I reached for my pistol, aimed it out the window and bam, i fired the water from its nozzle.

The bird, startled, fluttered it's wings and immediately took flight - SUCCESS!!!!!

Pigeons won't mess with me anymore now that i have my glorious water pistol!

Stage Two of No Facebook Withdrawals

2010-04-06T00:35:00.003+10:00

I'm three months into this No Facebook New Years Resolution and i think it's safe to say i've had just about enough of it!!!

My thoughts of:

"How many friend requests will i have" and

"Will they be randoms, or long lost friends or people i don't wanna add?" and

"How much blood money will i have in vampire wars?" and

"How is my cafe in Restaurant City doing and how much money will i have?"

...all keep entering my head, not to mention all the anticipated comments, emails and events i hope to receive!!!

Lately i haven't been able to sleep too good. I stay up late at night completely and utterly bored but not wanting to go to sleep and i have a theory about that!

I think it's because i'm waiting for something exciting to happen on the internet and nothing ever does and so my conclusion to that theory is that it's because i am going through stage two of facebook withdrawals!!! The first stage was not opening the page anymore and being extradited from 'the loop' and now this next stage is where my body is failing to understand that i can't entertain my boredom with facebook anymore.

I've stopped the mental status updates, which i am thankful for. I've even stopped writing them down in my status update log. Now i just put status updates on skype - which, by the way, i have and i think you should add me - just a bit of a plug there GET SKYPE!!!

Anyways, it's late and i guess i probably SHOULD attempt this sleep thing people overrate!!!

No Facebook - Day 47

2010-03-19T17:58:00.001+11:00

No Facebook - Day 40

2010-03-19T17:57:00.000+11:00

In My Dreams!

2010-03-19T17:37:00.004+11:00

I've only ever collapsed once in my life. I remember the day vividly like it was yesterday and i probably remember it so well because it's not something you do everyday!

It was 1996 and I'd just finished the final dress rehearsal for the opening night of the local theatre group's production of 'Peter Pan'. I wasn't feeling well and went outside to see if my dad had arrived to pick me up. I came back inside, all the chairs were lined up neatly for the first performance and it all happened in slow motion, i started to fall. My hands went out in front of me as if i was trying to push everything out of the way for my ungraceful plummet to the ground and i slowly stumbled forward pushing all the chairs askew. It felt a lot like slow motion to me, but i'm sure it happened relatively quickly, following that afternoon i went home and became extremely sick for a couple of days. On the last day I was sick, i recorded the voice over singing for the lead role and i'm sure it was a smash hit! I'm telling you, my best work is done when i am violently ill!

Anyway, the purpose of this story is because last night i dreamt i was becoming unconscious. I don't know why you'd want to read about that but this is more for my own personal records more than your entertainment!

It happened a lot like that day i collapsed. I was sitting down and everything happened in slow motion. I Gradually started slipping into a state of unconsciousness. I knew i was going into that state and so i tried to get up, all woozy, and get into bed (kind of ironic that i already WAS in bed, dreaming i was getting into bed - weird, ha!). It was the weirdest thing to be almost out of it and trying to move around. It's hard enough moving around in a dream at the best of times let alone when you're dreaming of becoming unconscious!

That's pretty much the end. But what do you reckon it means to dream you're becoming unconscious, or does it even mean anything at all??

Feel free to post random discussive comments - that sounds fun!

Peace & Quiet

2010-03-09T22:12:00.004+11:00

I've been dealing with a lot of emotional thoughts and feelings of late and every time i go to blog it's always the same topic that i want to write about, mostly stemming from my friendships and so, i wanted to blog but had nothing to blog about, until a friend and i were chatting on Skype about what we'd do once we'd retired, like how mindless it would be and then we started talking about mindless things like knitting to pass the time until we died, coz that's what all oldies do, right?!

For some reason it reminded me of how much i've been wanting to get away camping. Not because camping is necessarily mindless (altho it truly can be if you want it to be, imitating crows for AT LEAST an hour straight for instance!!) but just because camping is peaceful and quiet and nature is so beautiful.

It also reminded me of Camp Del Oro and i began to think about the best time of day at camp. This for me would be late at night when the teens are jumping into bed and you sit around the crackling fire under the stars ORRRR doing cabin watch late at night under THE most brightest moon and ponderosa pine trees - ahhh the tranquility, the magnificent awe of God's artwork - WOW~!!!!

i remember last year (2009) showing Kellie Covert, a counsellor the moon and the light it cast over the trees and the clouds surrounding the moon, showing her how beautiful it was, i didn't wanna be the only one to see it. I wished i could've painted it, it was so pretty!!!

It's bizarre what you read sometimes! The other day i came across a notebook that had some scribbles in it from my time at RYLA (Rotary Youth Leadership Award). I wrote this about some worries i had about doing meditation exercises:

"There is no strength or power that comes from self alone. Inner beauty comes from God alone. Not through meditating on self but rather by meditating on God and his word."

I then quoted these invaluable verses from God's word, the bible:

"Listen to this, Job; stop and consider God's wonders." Job 37:14 (CEV)

"But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." Psalm 131:2 (NIV)

And yet a third verse which i will add here because of it's relevance:

"Be still, and know that I am God;" Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Another favourite time of day for me in my ordinary life, is late at night. I'll sit on my bed in the dark as tho my room were a loft high above the street and i'll overlook the city lights and i'll listen. Some nights it will be loud and noisy and intrusive but there's the odd occasion when everyone is sleeping and the odd bat will screech across the sky but other than that, there's not a sound. In those times i just sit and listen to nothing - it's such peaceful silence!

Listening to silence puts at bay the things i worry about, my friendships, my finances, my work, my life-plans, all the crazy things that hurts my brain, bogs me down and makes me want to cry. Peace and quiet is reflective and allows me the chance to rest, puts my mind at ease and i can choose to focus on nothing in particular, becoming mindless or i can be still and focus on God - the latter being more important to me.

A Peace of Prayer

2010-03-02T22:17:00.002+11:00

It's no big secret that I haven't been attending a church on a regular basis for just under a year now. However, that doesn't mean i am a bad christian, it doesn't even mean my faith is shaky or that i am less interested in God. It just means that i haven't felt led to go to any one particular church!

So for the past three weeks now, i've been attending a church near my house that, i have to admit, i've been going to on and off for about 3 years anyway and surprisingly, it's been really good.

Sometimes the pastor there can be a bit all over the place and he has some weird ideas and so the last sunday i went there, i wasn't expecting anything too challenging, my heart wasn't even in the right place. But i went along nonetheless! There's something about the atmosphere there, the people, that draws me in, the different nationalities definitely. Sometimes, i find myself just watching how different people are and how they all interact differently with each other, the oldies, the newbies - it's fascinating coz it reminds me of how brilliant God is!

The sermon blew me away! It actually caught me off-guard because i wasn't expecting anything much, definitely not something that pulled at my heartstrings anyway!!!

The Pastor talked about prayer and instantly i tuned in because prayer is my favourite part of my relationship with God, coz i can actually talk to him. I think i tuned in because i wanted to know just how fine-tuned my prayer life actually was! He also talked about forgiveness. These were two huge topics for me and what's more, is that they applied to things i was dealing with at the time!

I've always thought i knew exactly what forgiveness was and i actually thought i'd mastered it to some extent. But I really haven't, which i kinda knew but just denied.

The Pastor said that forgiveness is forgetting the sin once it's been dealt with. That blew me outta the water. I always thought that forgiveness was something you did for someone else. But that's wrong. Forgiveness is my own responsibility. Holding a grudge or bringing it up again, isn't forgiving someone. Making someone feel bad for what they've done is also not forgiveness. Letting something go and 'forgetting' that sin, is forgiveness. It doesn't mean that the memory is erased, and there's sure to be scars left in some circumstances but letting go of the actual sin, is up to us. When God forgives us, he throws that sin into the sea of forgetfulness, he doesn't hold it over us and that's what i need to learn to do for people i need to forgive - no grudges, even if that means i am always the one to submit.

He also talked about prayer. Prayer is my favourite part of Christianity, in fact, it's an integral part of my faith. But sometimes i get so caught up with what is on my 'list' that i feel like a broken record. Sometimes i feel unheard, which i know isn't true but when i can't see the results or lack the answers, something has to give!

It works both ways, i know! I definitely have to put more effort into getting to know God's word, the bible but i also need to let God be in control of my requests! The Pastor shared two verses of scripture, the second one is one of my favourite verses in the bible:

^"14We are certain that God will hear our prayers when we ask for what pleases him. ¹⁵And if we know that God listens when we pray, we are sure that our prayers have already been answered."
1 John 5:14-15 (CEV)

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

We don't need to have a list. One prayer is enough. I need to rest assured that God has heard my prayer and will or has dealt with it. Once i hand it over to God i should have a peace within my spirit that a. it's been heard and b. God will answer the prayers of my heart.

Upon leaving the church that night, i knew God had spoken truth into my heart, it wasn't just some words the Pastor put together but God had used him to clarify some things. It made me a little emotional knowing I'd been spoken to by God, directly into my circumstance too! i know that he hears all the things i talk to him about, he knows the worries i have and the things that i don't understand. My prayers don't fall on deaf ears. Trusting the bible, his word, will ensure i receive that unfathomable peace in my heart.

Crazy and pretty in ya face what God will share with you when you don't even think he's gonna say anything!

The Anti-Socialist

2010-02-09T14:02:00.003+11:00

Life is pretty random when you really sit down and think about it - well i think so anyway.

Today has been a 'not-so-good' day for me.

I've done a lot of thinking about happiness and the things that make me content and satisfied. I've also analysed everything about my life, taking into consideration how old i am.

It gets depressing.

Lately i've done a lot of thinking about relationships, and when i use that word 'relationship' i just mean, everyone in general, not just the mushy boy/girl thing.

As a Christian, i know that relationships are the key to being a good, successful Christian. I know it deep in my heart but lately, in my head, they are the one thing that i wish i could get rid of in my whole life.

Relationships cause the following:

* Heartache

* Confusion

* They take a lot of work

* They take away the majority of independance

As much as love to be in a relationship with anyone, i also hate it and i never really want to be in anymore relationships than the ones i already have. So if you're thinking it would be fun to make friends with me, please reconsider that!

Sometimes i wish i could just run away from everything and everyone in my life and just live life unrecognised, knowing no-one. I guess it might get kinda lonely from time to time, but at least you wouldn't have to put the effort into pleasing someone.

People can be the most annoying thing about life, with all their own random, stupid ideas and each one of them thinking their way is the right way, it's 100% worse when people go to university and become 'educated' and think they've pretty much learnt everything there is to know about life. Personal gripe.

But as much as i'd like to cut the ties with every single person in my life, i know as a christian it's not what my life is about, it's not about me. It's not about being selfish and getting everything i want. In fact, it's about Jesus Christ and leading people towards him and we do that through being in relationships with people, or so i've been told, earning their trust and respect enough to be able to show them the one person that knows what actual true and lasting love and relationship is.

Being a Christian and wanting people to understand this God that can transform their life is super hard when you don't want to have anything to do with anyone. Sometimes, i struggle with the 'relationship' thing. So many times i've cried out to God asking why i need to be close to anyone but Him.

I think i wouldn't mind being in relationship with people so much if they didn't complicate things so much. Why do people always have to make things harder than they already are? My relationship with God is uncomplicated and it works great for me. I'm not saying it's an easy relationship but he understands me and he offers me things that i don't deserve and he forgives me without question and he loves me unfailingly.

I can see why he's a little hard to live up to but I guess it also means i need to follow his footsteps and put myself behind me and offer all those things to the people that frustrate me and make me wanna crawl under a rock and hide, because i'm pretty darn sure there have been times when God has felt the same frustration towards me!

A Story of Iron

2010-02-02T21:47:00.003+11:00

Soooo I'm kinda sitting here thinking about anaemia, here we go...

The thing i like about being iron deficient is that you get tired easily. Which means, when it's 10:00pm at night, you want to crawl into bed and sleep a decent night's sleep! Which also means that the bad thing about being iron SUFFICIENT is that in the late hours of the night and early hours of the morning i am left sitting WIDE awake wondering what i can do to pass the time, when quite clearly, i SHOULD be sleeping!

The bad thing about being iron deficient is that although sleeping comes naturally, i'm often left WANTING to sleep but being unable to because the lack of iron in my blood leaves me with RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome).

RLS is a condition where you are unable to relax your legs and keep them still, you are constantly changing positions of the way your legs lay and not because you want to but just because they won't stay still, sometimes even creating a 'creepy, crawley' feeling all over your legs. It's frustrating especially when the lack of iron in your blood is making you sleepy! Eventually after a couple of restless nights sleep, you just fall asleep from tiredness.

All this because of little iron in the blood!

I don't understand the connection between cruching ice, RLS and low iron but for some reason, it causes those things!!!

No Facebook - Day 21

2010-02-01T09:13:00.001+11:00

The Honest Truth

2010-01-24T00:38:00.002+11:00

I don't know exactly what it is i'm about to write but i do know that it's a subject that's been floating around my head for about a week or two and i keep meaning to blog about it but always find something better to do. Tonight, it's late and i'm not as tired as i thought i was and with no-one online to distract me and no games to play or emails to write, i couldn't think of a better thing than to write that blog i've been meaning to write.

The title of this blog might become clear at the end, who knows!

In the last week, i have received two emails, consoled one person and continued the journey on this path that we call friendship. I have been reminded of the things that i hold close to my heart and the qualities that i value in any kind of relationship.

I may have already blogged on this before but if i have, it's simply because this is a part of my heart that i feel strongly about.

Relationships, whatever form they come in, are the most stupid, tricky and complex things i have ever come across and they are something that i think i will go to my grave not having ever figured out.

I always vow to never again start a new kind of relationship with anyone because the ones i already have take so much effort and work. A relationship is a very high maintenance affair which is why it puts me off wanting to start a new one. And yet, i always seem to find someone else to relate to, someone else to befriend.

In the last six months, i have started MANY new friendships, ended one, struggled with others and grown deeper with those closest to my heart. I've learnt more about what real friendships are and the glue that holds it together.

I'm a hermit but i'm also a leech. I love my own company, sometimes being with others makes me extremely anxious but when i find the people that love me, i cling to them and sometimes i have to be careful not to smother them - there is such a fine line between being a hermit and a leech that it can be hard to find the right balance. Perhaps that's why maintaining friendships is so hard for me to do.

But anyway, in any sort of relationship, there are two most important things i value most. Whenever either of these are breached, i feel such a deep sense of pain and hurt and it's what makes it difficult to begin something new with someone else, it destroys all trust i have in another person, knowing they could hurt me in exactly the same way.

Trust and honesty.

Being able to be honest and trusting they will still be there for you after that honesty has been delivered. I will always stick to the belief that if there is no communication in any kind of relationship, it won't work. The same applies with honesty, if you can't be open and tell the truth, it also won't work.

That's not to say that something can't be said with respect and with care and feeling, unless your intention is to hurt them.

I'm actually not quite sure where i'm going with this anymore except to say that this is a desperate plea to all my friends and loved ones.

Please, don't hide anything. Say what you mean. Tell the truth and be open about the relationship we have. If it's meant to end, it will end (perhaps for the best!) and if it's meant to last then that will happen too. Honesty and truth end any kind of relationships the RIGHT way, in due course, the season may be over but it may have just begun. But if it is hidden, the ending of that relationship can be painful and messy, destroying all faith and trust in others which that person might have.

The people in my life that grant me truth, honesty and loyalty are my most treasured friends!

No Facebook - Day 19

2010-01-24T00:32:00.000+11:00

No Facebook - Day 12

2010-01-13T18:00:00.001+11:00

No Facebook - Day 9

2010-01-11T20:06:00.000+11:00

No Facebook - Day 8

2010-01-10T22:56:00.001+11:00

No Facebook - Day 5

2010-01-10T22:54:00.001+11:00

No Facebook - Day 4

2010-01-07T20:22:00.002+11:00

~*Tinkerbelle*~

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No Laughing. No Smiling. Not Today.

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Camp Del Oro 2010

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Die Pigeon, Die

Stage Two of No Facebook Withdrawals

No Facebook - Day 47

No Facebook - Day 40

In My Dreams!

Peace & Quiet

A Peace of Prayer

The Anti-Socialist

A Story of Iron

No Facebook - Day 21

The Honest Truth

No Facebook - Day 19

No Facebook - Day 12

~Tinkerbelle~